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Heaping Muthafuckin' praise! Kudos, kind sir! Bravo, Mr. Stanley for pouring us a warm cup of YOU via ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES. Michael Stanley who has faded into oblivion, somewhere in this cold, cruel world, no doubt tells current friends and relations, "I made a movie once, back when I was living in Connecticut." The friends and relations of this Michael Stanley more than likely reply, "Really?! Which One? Have I ever heard of it?" Stanley, more than likely, retorts "Probably not, but I still have a video copy of it, want to watch it?" Little do the unsuspecting souls realize that what they think they know about movies, and in particular, the horror genre, is going to be tested to the limits when they hunker down in front of the ol' Zenith to catch a glimpse of Michael's handy work.

The back-story of ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES (AOTBC) is a lofty one for sure. A supposed period piece, (I think it is, although the feathered hair, 'staches, and flare legged tux pants smell disgustingly like the early 80s) we are introduced to a cast of shipwreck survivors set adrift from the sinking Obelisk. As the credits creep by in a painfully long sequence, the astute viewer will catch that Obelisk is the name of the production company behind AOTBC. No doubt a reference to the sinking feeling the backers felt as they came to grips with the fact that might have very well, pissed their money down the drain by financing AOTBC. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Our eight castaways spy an island in the distance, dry land, maybe some food and a chance hopefully to rescued. The rag tag group of passengers and a couple crew members hit the beach, and thus our epic tail of survival begins, survival from the elements, each other and ultimately something the folks who titled the film dubbed the BEAST CREATURES, one of the most redundant tiles in moviedom history. Its AKA might actually be a truer title, HELL ISLAND…for all involved, no doubt.

Once on the island, AOTBC enters into typical zero budget problems, inane dialogue and character motivation that lacks both. Stanley can't take the credit for wunderkind Bob Hutton's crafty lack of scriptwriting penmanship when it comes to the story. You will probably remember Bob Hutton from having a name that reminds you of Lauren Hutton or Raw Mutton or Knob Glutton, but not for anything remotely related to movies. The characters follow along the well-established formulaic cardboard cutout variety. The Handsome Captain, The Trusty First Mate, The Snobbish Asshole, The Passenger With a Heart of Gold, A Couple of Cute but Weak Gals, An Older, Stronger Female and some guys which die quickly. Now to this point you might think that I don't care for AOTBC that this may turn out to be a review that asks you not to view this tripe, but I'll tell you prematurely, nothing, I mean nothing, could be further from the truth.

You see, describing various events that our characters run into…a wounded survivor having his flesh devoured off, only to leave nothing but a Biology 101 Class budget, plastic skeleton, complete with skull hinge, a gentlemen starved for fresh water only to find the gentle, calm lagoon is some sort of acid that eats his hand and face off, impalements, maimings, none of these things and the hows and whys really matter. This film is all about those Beast Creatures, those glorious, stupid Beast Creatures. The trail of Michael Stanley isn't about whether or not he made a good movie (the jury is in he didn't) it is only about those Beast Creatures. What sort of man has the balls, the nutz, the grapefruits, the fucking intestinal fortitude to take a lower echelon version of the little Devil Doll from TRILOGY OF TERROR, make about a hundred of them, out of wood, paint them red, give them unblinking eyes, no joints, cheap wig hair and expect an audience to buy into the fact that these are scary!

Granted these might just be the nastiest little 14 inches of wood ever to grace a screen but frightening they ain't. I dare anyone to sit there the first time you see the Beast Creatures and hold in a giggle, can't be done. Nonetheless with the confidence of Kid Rock at a blood test, Stanley brings them on and on and on. These Beast Creatures are in your fucking face, in droves. Of course, if you can just get a hold of one, you can fling him into a tree, or rock, or the ground, or stomp him with a shoe or my favorite, actually throw one at the camera. They're not hard to kill; there are just so damned many of them. When in full bore attack mode, a victim can have up to a dozen of the boogers pinned all over him, kind of like a little Beast Creature leisure suit or something. They also may some sort of high pitched hiss sound that must really fuck you up because it seems to stun folks into actually struggling with the beast creatures instead of just introducing one to a hard rock maple stump. And when they run, boy they sure get with it. You know how realistic it looks when ElmoTM from Sesame Street tap dances? Well, this ain't that realistic.

I have to admit I didn't find this gem on my own, famed underground filmmaker Nathan Schiff (Vermillion Eyes, Long Island Cannibal Massacre) sent it my way, just knowing it was up my alley. Expect a full-blown Nathan Schiff interview and film overview very soon here at BOF. Master Schiff was right on the money. AOTBC is well on its way to becoming true BOF classic material in my book.

I would be doing my job if I didn't give you at least a little information about the cast of AOTBC. Robert Nowfi is the Captain and really the only character capable of much acting, many of the individuals involved must have been acting students and or right out of the New England community theater circuit. Don't get me wrong Nowfi is horrible. He delivery borders on 8th grade reading level with truly believable lines like, "Let's keep our differences to ourselves, we have to worry abut getting off this island." Nowfi sounds as if he is reading them, and for the first time, not just the lines but also the actual words. Stanley's direction is right in line with stage directions as well. Each character generally strolls into the frame and saunters out, unless it is a long shot, almost always done without sticks (handheld). Focus seems to be another shortcoming during key establishing shots. Our "asshole" character, Morgan, brought into being by John Vichiola, does a fair, less effete' Thurston Howell III, and at least he makes you hate him, which is his point. It seems to be the only truly developed dialogue in the film; at least Morgan effectively makes you want to bust his fucking mouth.

The rest of the survivors are fairly forgettable (I should note that all the cast just like any other major films that are made, are also the crew, the Special Effects are handled by Bob Firgelewski, Bob Hutton, helped edit and other duties and Ms. Stanley drowns as well as is 2nd Asst. Director, Vichiola was the Casting Director!) and the fact there are 10 of them really mucks up the works, because you loose track of who's dead, who isn't, and find yourself realizing that they are basically Beast Creature Chow so why worry about anything they are talking about because they will eventually be covered in tiny red Miles Davis action figures. After one of the nameless characters, melts in the acidic pond, a four man discussion of the nifty red berries they have found disintegrates into a pissing contest about who's going to pick them. One cannot help but think of CBS's Survivor during this sequence…if only they had some acidic water and tiny red demon fuckers on the runaway reality hit, now that'd be something, I wouldn't have to spend so much time watching just to see if I can catch a glimpse of some ineffective female intimate shaving. But walking, man this cast can do the walking, in and out of the frame around and around like the God damned Blair Witch kids, every scene God damned Mike Stanley has them walking…Am I the only one who's asking if you are looking to get saved on an island why in the fuck are you tromping around in the jungle portion of the island on not on the beach? Did I say jungle; I meant luscious green Connecticut woodland. The scenery looks as tropical as the back seat of my car, ask any $10 crack whore who's been there and she'll tell you, it just isn't that nice. Morgan and John the Captain (hmmmm Captain Morgan) ultimately are the only 2 characters worth giving a shit about, even the ladies, the potential love interest of the Captain (hey he's suave), the elderly lady and the forgetful other two, barely peak any sort of emotion at all, just get to the beast creaturing you'll be screaming. Much of the dialogue seems to have gotten one take; there are noticeable flaws and fuck-ups but the film rolls one. Okay, maybe I should have left out the shit about the characters. BUT WHO CARES? Beast Creatures, Beast Creatures!

I may have already said it. All that really matters is the Beast Creatures, seriously, they make the movie. They make me demand your attention. I will come to your fucking house, drag you out by the knape of your neck, put you on my back and run 17 miles to a VCR to get you to view this thing. I will, you son of a bitch! I am not fucking kidding. If you bother to see something this week, take the time to track this one down, email me I'll get you a copy, cheap! Rarely am I so fucking vehement about you assholes seeing a film, so listen up ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES deserves something, anything from you. So many "bad" movies are held in reverence as if they potentially mandatory but poor old AOTBC has wallowed in obscurity for far too long. Do not make me come over there…Don't make me…Cuz I will. And if you do make me you're getting as ass whopping for not listening, fucker. You had better bow down and worship these red, little, super, jiggaboos. Oh that reminds me, in what might be my favorite scenes in AOTBC, a bazillion little Beast Creatures have a sort of church service all standing worshiping a big Beast Creature idol. Imagine lining up a bunch of those little lucky TrollTM dolls in front of one of the bigger models and you basically have the dramatic impact you get to bare witness to. It's a moment, man, oh Manechevitz it is a moment.

ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES, 5 fucking stars. Red wooden hooga booga men, plastic Chem. Lab skeletons, strawberry jam, dry ice, inane script writing, hollow characters and gutter level acting. WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO SAY HERE? SEEEEEEEEE IT!
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Discuss this baby.

You had to get the face.

Dead Man Sinking, please note the hinged skull.

Sunday morning at the island. Got Wood?

Extreme Beast Creatures, that's in my face!

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Wow, get ready for some Special Effects.

Lock and Load
The doomed life boat carries the unknowing victims...

They stumble upon some delicious Crunch BerriesTM

The men for the Crunch BerryTM Summit minutes later.

Victim #1 goes for the acidic water. Is that strawberry jam or pie filling, I can't figure it out?

Hey, what's up? Yeah I think he's dissolving wy?

They catch of glimpse of the box office from Attack of the Beast Creatures, Egah!!!

Finally, the BEAST CREATURES are in the house, err, tree.

Yeah, you too little fella.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee fat person!

Beast Creaturing at its best. Everyone has a few.

My face, not the face! That's my money maker!

Coleen from the Survivor show gets her ouchy on!


Again with the ouchy.



Try the new twist off Hooga Booga Malt Liquor!
Brains On Film 2003