If you consider yourself a person who worships "bad"
movies and I assume you might since you have wound up here, you
might of heard of this treat. I am talking about Blood Freak.
Many people might have seen it mentioned on other web sites, some
compare it to Plan 9, as possibly the worst film ever made, many
find it laughable, some I am sure, find it unwatchable. When you
become jaded as many of us have, you look for that "something"
in all the movies you watch. That undeniable nugget that really
is reduced to the correct answer to this question "Does the
fucker pay off?" If you get a "yes" many times
you can leave smiling. Well with Blood Freak, you will have the
have the damned grin sand blasted from from noggin, cuz payoff
it do and Prof. Tread is not shitting you.
The years I had to wait to see it had not prepared me for how
bizarre the premise of a Anti-Drug, Pro-Christianity message colliding
with a mutated monster on a motorbike movie might actually be.
Like a sort of Jack Chick tract come to life, Blood Freak can
only be described as "out-there" no matter where you
try and categorize it. Not intentionally funny, it seems at its
best a morality play that is trying desperately to leave the viewer
with a "message." What is that message? Well, more on
CO-director Brad Grinter decided to tie this story together by
playing narrator. As a chain-smoking, one eyebrow raised, hip
(for the early 70's) Rod Serling-type, Grinter (also responsible
for the equally bizarre Flesh Feast) sets the stage for the bizarre
events that are about to take place. To say the least, Grinter's
"performance" lacks any sort of natural human cadence.
He tries desperately to use a unfiltered Lucky Strike as a device
to, I am assuming, build a sort of drama to his "all-knowing
orator-speak" but it comes off less as a sinister warning
of things to come and more merely laughable in its ineptness,
multiplied by the fact that Grinter has found it impossible to
remember his own lines and repeatedly refers to the pages lying
in front of him for back-up. Literally reading directly from the
page on more than one occasion during the opening sequence.
Grinter introduces the viewer to the protagonist of Blood Freak,
Herschell, who is writer and CO-director Steve Hawkes. Hawkes
was a former Mr. Canada, a long distance swimmer and eventually
played a post-Weissmuller Tarzan in a couple of jungle stinkers.
Herschell is a former-Nam dude looking for a little action down
Florida way similar to another Herschell (the Lewis variety).
If ever a guy looked awkward on a motor-sickle, poor Herschell
does, not to mention the fact that the focus is soft, the camera
is handheld by someone with a nervous twitch, and Herschell outweighs
his bike by a good 100 pounds, yet he seems slightly mismatched.
Believing that Herschell is a "biker" is a stretch,
but just the first test of believability in what is an unbelievable
Herschell's "Born to be Wild-ness" is briefly slowed
down as he stops to help an attractive young lay on a this stretch
of highway that he is cruising. Angel is her name and Christianity
is her game. After Herschell over hauls her engine or whatever
it is he does in the brief time it takes to repair her vehicle
the couple are on their way to Angel's sister, Ann's crib, where
she is having a pot party. Angel takes time to warn Ann about
the evils of Marijuana by reminding her that her, "body is the
temple of the holy spirit - you shouldn't defy it!" So it kinda
goes like this, if you are not paying attention Sister #1 Angel
is a Bible-touting priss-pot Sister #2 Ann is more of your libertine,
beer-swilling, dope-smoking party girl. Ann inevitably tries her
hand at wooing Herschell, but he is smitten with Angel and with
the good Word of the Lord and is not having any part of it. Ann
stunned, as any party girl might be from not getting her way,
decides then and there to seek revenge in a sibling rivalry that
has obviously has reared its head before, and beat Angel using
poor, goofy Herschell as the pawn in a game of family deceit.
Okay, maybe that is a little too deep. She is pissed and decides
that Herschell is stupid enough to "get to" and it'll
piss off here preachy sis.
If Herschell is going to hang around this burg he is going to
need a job and since he is a former Mr. Canada, the girl's Pops
recognizes he might come in handy around his poultry farm. There
are things to lift and clean and fresh turkey meat to test. After
all, is there a better way to test any sort of food product that
an actual former bodybuilder eating tons of it before releasing
it on the populace? Well, hell no, so Herschell is hired on and
with the assistance of a couple of scientific technicians, who
are my favorite 2 characters in this film, he be working and eating
as much turkey as he can handle. Given his stature, it is safe
to assume that Herschell will be able to handle quite a bit of
the extensible tailed holiday favorite.
Herschell becomes the regular "man about the house"
doing various jobs that include being pool boy, and the same fate
awaits Herschell the pool boy as most pool boys in film history.
He is seduced, not only by the nubile Ann in her bikini but by
the Devil weed that Ann offers Herschell Herschell refuses her
attempt to get him high, but Ann uses that tried and true peer
pressure method of calling Herschell a pussy, not in so many words
but you get the point, he is a coward unless he partakes and partake
he does in some of Ann's Super-PotTM. I refer to it as this trademarked
product because it is either that damn good or Grinter and Hawkes
culled their collective Marijuana research from my grandmother
and Art Linkletter. The couples reaction sends them reeling with
hysterical laughter ending up with Herschell bedding down with
Ann in a moment of THC bliss. That is some Super-PotTM. Personally
smoking pot is something I am not into, but I have been around
a lot of heavy duty tokers most of them end up either eating all
my Ho-Hos or falling asleep during whatever movie we are watching,
overwrought laughter and horniness rarely is the modus operandi.
But given what we have bared witness to thus far in Blood Freak,
at least something is happening. Thank goodness Grinter shows
up to 'splain what just took place and of course, it is a perfect
opportunity to light up a smoke and deliver your lines Mr. Grinter,
because that is a highly effective tool you can never utilize
Herschell lays down so much loving and pot that he has to hurry
to his first real day on the job with Lenny and Gene, the aforementioned
scientific technicians. Almost late for work, my favorite pair
explain to Herschell that because of government regulations they
"need a human to eat the meat to see if there's any side
effects." The stupidity of the dialogue is overshadowed by
the way the lines are delivered. Mumbled, fumbled and with their
eyes darting towards the camera Lenny and Gene are a couple of
b-moviedom's real heavy hitters. It would not be possible to overanalyze
the brilliance of their performances together for Grinter and
Hawkes. I'm sure it was unintentional on the directors' part,
but I have never believed more wholeheartedly in a couple of characters
than Lenny and Gene. Lenny and Gene surely worked on a turkey
farm, maybe they were not turkey scientists in real life, but
they surely had been on the business end of the Butterball industry,
or quite possibly decided in their preparation for their roles
in true "method" fashion to hang out at a gobbler establishment
soaking in atmosphere, the phrasing of such insider terms as "government"
meaning of course the Department of Agriculture or "side
effects" meaning sleepiness or something worse. So goes this
study of two professionals in the all-white meat trade of turkey
"farming." Real or simply aptly researched, Lenny and
Gene are turkey scientific technicians.
Herschell, once home from the first day at the Turkey Institute
of Technology (okay I made that up) begins to get the itch for
more marijuana-type product and like watching a documentary about
heroin addiction, Herschell, sweat, grimaces and is in serious
withdrawls...his body needs more SuperPotTM. He is jonesing man!
He needs smoke! Must have Smoke! As I said, I have been around
some rather heavy dopers, but I have never witnessed such an outright
Betty Ford Clinic inducing reaction to one tiny bit of marijuana
that Herschell is experiencing. Keep in mind, I live in Kentucky,
need I remind you the reputation this state has for harvesting
Snoop Dog's favorite libation. Herschell soothes his savage beast
and gets high, sheesh, better Hersh? But the next day at work
when Lenny and Gene give Herschell one of the turkey experiments
to wolf down, Herschell makes short work of the bird leaving just
the remnants of a once proud animal. This reality of this gluttonous
act unfortunately runs head-on to Herschell's new found addiction
to the pot and send him into a Grand Mal on the grounds of the
farm. This scene is not actor Steve Hawkes best work, I've seen
better seizures on Soul Train reruns. But our plot is now fully
in place, let the Blood Freaking begin.
With a head from someone's idea of a homecoming parade float
centerpiece for the Waukeegan Gooblers, Herschell comes to Ann
to explain what has happened to him in the last day or so. But
words are replaced by gobbles and he causes Ann to faint dead
away only to reawaken and find a note that Herschell has left
her. What will they do? What about their future plans (they have
know each other a few days), the kids, what about their kids?!
They have to turn all of this over to someone who can help, they
have to go to a higher power and well they should, who might save
a young couple from a former Mr. Canada with giant turkey head
if not our Lord Jesus, Amen. Not to mention this Super-PotTM and
this biologically enhanced turkey they are fooling with down on
the farm. Thank goodness our narrator is here to remind us of
the lengths man will go to before turning to God in our moments
of despair. Did I mention he is smoking?
Herschell the Jive Turkey, hoohoo, I've been dying to use that
one, is going now on some sort of Super-PotTM/tainted turkey frickin
killing spree. Yes, Herschell is not only addicted to Super-PotTM,
but now he is addicted to blood! Herschell has done gone plum
Turky-nuts. We, the viewers are on a trip with Herschell as he
tries to satisfy his blood lust. I could not figure out why exactly
it was blood and not, say a Southern States turkey feed rampage,
I did not know that turkeys were know for their carnivorous appetites,
and for humans blood, as well. Was Herschell's character the "every-turkey"?
Seeking revenge for the fairy tale which had led Americans every
last Thursday in November to broast, roast and bake Herschell's
"relatives?" Was Herschell's plight a deeper statement
about our consumption of products and our willingness to let scientists
tamper with our foodstuffs to make bigger breasts and leaner rump
roasts? Or was it just Grinter and Hawkes trying like the dickens
to turn a buck in the drive-in market with a monster movie and
they access to a turkey farm, some dope, a bevy of willing hippie
helpers and possible financing from a church as long as there
was a pro-Christian slant to the proceedings. I'd like to think
there was a nobler cause only because Herschell's final death
blow is by far something that will steer you from ever wanting
to hunker down in front of a drumstick. Edits of a deathblow to
Herschell's neck and a real turkey loosing his noggin abruptly
end with the giant Herschell head on a platter next to a oven-baked
goobler as hands rip and tear into the cooked bird, all vegans
should find cause to unite because you may never want to eat turkey
or any other poultry after watching squeezed through the fingers
of our detached revelers. Pass the Triptophan, I'm sleepy.
Grinter delivers the final axe by tying a ribbon around the boxed-up,
anti-drug statement of the film by inhaling his Lucky, choking,
wheezing and ultimately coughing his lungs out while reminding
us that any sort of drug can be dangerous to our health. No doubt
Nicotine has hindered Brad Grinter's ability to use a second take
and we are left with his dry hacking as the final word rallying
against casual use of drugs.
The familiar with the twist in one particular Dallas cliff hanger
will probably be somewhat unfulfilled at Herschell's experiences
but so damn good this Blood Freak, the means to the end is more
than worth it. It will leave you with many things to think about.
Steve Hawke, when asked about Blood Freak referred to it as a
sad chapter in his life, he had burnt over 90% of his body while
filming "Tarzan and the Brown Prince" and had spent
tons of cash trying to repair his beautiful body, so he took the
Herschell roll to make some extra cash. In the middle of filming
the producers went bankrupt, Steve had to rewrite and re-shoot
scenes all just to collect $140,000. HE FUCKING MADE $140,000
ON BLOOD FREAK. THIS MOVIE HAD TO HAVE COST $17.25 TO MAKE, MOST
OF THE LATER HALF IS 8 MM, GADDAMN, STEVE HAWKE. Sorry. Wow, that
sort of cash on a film like Blood Freak and I bother showing up
for work everyday. Shit?!
Blood Freak does work and I am a true testament to its message.
This did it for me , no pot, no turkey, just a healthy diet of
prayer from now on for Old Prof. Tread. Gobble, Gobble. If you
want a more detailed plot synopsis and a great review of Blood
Freak be sure to check out Greywizard's
Unknown Movie Page which my previous review borrowed extensively
from inadvertently via a xeroxed fanzine titled Dope. I gots to
give Greywizard props, his extensive plot synopsis is upper-tier.
Discuss this baby.
Black Gestapo Black
Girl From Tobacco Row
Rape Squad Join
The Meateater Do
Dixie Dynamite POW!
Run Stranger Run
Horror House On Hwy 5
Behind Locked Doors It's
Nailgun Massacre Some
Bat Pussy It had to
Thunder Alley It is
Blood Freak A Classic
The Geek Bigfoot Porn
High School Ghosthustlers
Frankenstein Island You
SuperCock Not that kinda
The Alienator Feeling
Angel Midnight Fantasy
Vanity and the Beast
Tim Ritter's $0 budget wonder
Nightmare Prof. Tread
still can't sleep.
Shanty Tramp She is sumpin'
If Footmen Tire You...?
Viva' Knievel Evel of
The Killing Of A Chinese
Bookie! Smart Guy.
The Pink Angels Gayness,
The Burning The 80's,
ahhh the 80's.
Q - The Winged Serpant! Larry
Fight For Your Life!
WARNING Racist content
Walking Tall Buford Pusser
in the Hizouse!
Sleepaway Camp Internet
Born Losers Ya Loser!
Shriek of the Mutilated
Bro. George gets busy.
Bury Me An Angel
Gal Biker and more.
The Grim Reaper Reap
Abby One of William Girdler's
Deadbeat At Dawn A
Sonny Boy Carradine,
Great Hollywood Rape-Slaughter
Savage Weekend. Take
Dead and Buried. A Should-be
Hot Summer In Barefoot
Night Train To Terror
I Drink Your Blood Glug,
Vixen Russ Meyer and breasts!
Truck Stop Women Honnnk
Daddy's Deadly Darling!
Flesh Feast Maggots!
Soapy the Germ Fighter!
Why Doesn't Cathy Eat Breakfast?
Moonshine County Express!
The Night God Screamed!
White Dog Racists Pets!
Hunter's Blood City
Slickers get offed!
Devil Times Five Sean
Terror at the Red Wolf Inn
Headless Eyes See It
World's Greatest Sinner
One of the best!
The Baby! Goo Goo!
Summer Camp Nightmare Viva
Attack of the Beast Creatures
Let's Play Dead Incest
Island of Death Vacation
Evil Come, Evil Go! Bye,
Darktown Strutters Get
Poor Pretty Eddie Deep
Miami Golem Jewish Folklore
Tenement NYC Apartment
To Kill A Clown Alan Alda Vietnam Vet!
The Spook Who Sat Next To
The Door Booya!
I Woke Up Early The Day I
Died Mr. Ed Wood.
The Mutilation Man Andy
Copp goes arty on us!
The People Across The Lake
The Woman Hunt Load Up
These Are The Damned