The battle for Souls, now that is serious business, ask anyone
who is a God-fearing believer in the word and they will back me
up. God had set aside a special place in his kingdom for Ron Ormond
and Estus W. Pirkle, well, until he caught the test screening
for IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU, WHAT WILL HORSES DO? (1971)
You see Ron Ormond had been making movies down in Tennessee for
many a moon, some of which are reviewed right on this website,
THE GIRL FROM TOBACCO ROAD, THE MONSTER AND STRIPPER, MESA OF
LOST WOMEN and so on. But Ron's traveling around the country doing
deals, selling his pictures led him to have back to back, near-fatal
airplane crashes which sent him to seek out Jesus as his co-pilot
for the remainder of his flying days.
Ron need not look any further than the Rev. Pirkle, Southern
Revival Evangelist, Commie-hater, and downright 5 feet 7 inches
of molten fire and brimstone with horned rim glasses. Ron was
in love, not with Pirkle but with his Word, THE WORD. So what
do you get when you cross an exploitation film maker and the Son
of God. Well, I guess you get this movie and a whole lot of fear,
the favorite tool of the religious zealots from the past and the
present. This fear is what makes this oddball a must see. It is
easy to forget how our country was absolutely engulfed with the
fear of Communism, so Pirkle did what any Minister of God for
the People would do. He exploited that fear to gain parishioners.
IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU, WHAT WILL HORSES DO? is definitely exploitation.
The plot goes a little like this. Pirkle preaches to his congregation
about the horrors which would befall America in the event of a
Communist invasion. These horrors are graphically dramatized as
he speaks. The sermon deeply or not so deeply affects a young
woman named Judy (JUDY CREECH), whose mother died begging Judy
to accept Jesus. After the sermon, Judy falls to her knees and
repents. Pirkle asks us to do the same. Pretty basic life lesson
here, right? FOOTMAN showed around the churchs in the South as
something called "The Soul Winners" program. These Soul
Winners would try and convince you right then and there, you need
to repent and give it up for Jesus. You hate Commies don't you?
Well so does Jesus! The plot is basic, the dramatizations, well
that is a whole other thing.
You see the Russians are invading all the small churches in the
South, well at least one of them in Ormond's home town. These
Russians and particularly the Commissar, played by Ormand heavy
Cecil Scaife, are frickin' ruthless. Bloody bodies line the sidewalks,
there's knifings, be-headings, shootings, lynchings, all delivered
laughingly by these Red Bastards.
You might tire of Rev. Pirkles monotonous delivery and lack of
any creativity in delivering the word of God. My favorite bits
of rambling he does always begins with the phrase "Well you
might say...Preacher what's wrong with..." insert Dancing,
Cartoons, Drive-ins, Reading, etc, etc. Fans of early 90's noise
pioneers Negativeland, might remember "Christianity is stupid,
give up" the less than "hit" that the band claimed
caused a quadruple homicide in the Midwest. Well, they sampled
that line from some of Rev. Pirkle's picadilloes.
Ron Ormond, himself, shows up as a Russian, in what is one of
the more bizarre "lessons" telling a classroom of kids
to ask Jesus for candy, when the candy doesn't appear, a soldier
dumps bags on the desk in front of the kids while Ormond shouts
"our glorious Fidel Castro can give you all the candy you
want, eat up!" Praying for candy from Castro or praying to
Jesus to pay the light bill which is dumber?
The use of kids in this film is so over the top, a child gets
a sharp stick in the ear, throws up, in close-up even, kids are
gunned down, throats slit and all in all if you had to set through
this thing as a juvenile in Sunday School, chances are you truly
were scarred for life, Jesus or no-Jesus, your skinny ass couldn't
sleep after watching guys in fake beards and wrinkled soldier
uniforms mutilating munchkins. Of course we get long lingering
shots of children lying bleeding on the Bible, while Pirkle asks
us "Does this shock you?" Uh, God, check please, and
whle you are at it, save us from your followers. The alternative
title for this Soul Winner is THE BLOOD WILL FLOW LIKE WATER...or
like Karo Syrup...you get the point.
The gore and violence has a cheap, campy feel, but why it delivers
is truly in the context which it is placed. This is all meant
to scare you towards God. Wow, what a concept. I am so afraid
of the threat of Communists that I will give my soul to Jesus,
but Christians really seem to be the ones getting their come-uppence.
Tim Ormond, plays a character that denies his Christianity to
save his life...smart move Timmy, but the Commies make him wipe
out his family to prove it..."damn, there is no getting around
Pirkle and Ormond teamed up for BELIEVERS HEAVEN and THE BURNING
HELL after IF FOOTMEN..Ormonds Christan films were alwasy shown
in a Southern Revival setting. Heat up the church with Fire and
Brimstone, scaring the shit out of everyone then call them to
the alter to repent, man, I went to a couple of these Revivals
(not Ormond movies) when I was about 12 with a good friend's aunt,
it scared us about as much as the parishioners and their lack
of all their limbs or a full set of teeth. The problem was that
Pirkle got all "donations" leading Ron to dissolve the
partnership and continue his unique brand of inspirational filmmaking
elsewhere. To think that a Southern Drive-in Pioneer like Ormond
got sucked in and taken by Pirkle cracks me up. A drive-in sleaze
aartist gets screwed by a "Man of God." Jesus works
in mysterious ways. Ormond continued though getting money and
religion in part by Jerry Falwell and even Jack Van Impe. Wow.
All in all, you have to see this to believe it, that is all I
can say, I mean that Kurt Cameron movie where he is LEFT BEHIND,
may have turded out and not delivered the Christians the makers
thought it would, then maybe you should slide this one in the
VCR at the next Vacation Bible School. Pass the plate, brother
and put out that Cuban cigar!
Discuss this baby.
Black Gestapo Black
Girl From Tobacco Row
Rape Squad Join
The Meateater Do
Dixie Dynamite POW!
Run Stranger Run
Horror House On Hwy 5
Behind Locked Doors It's
Nailgun Massacre Some
Bat Pussy It had to
Thunder Alley It is
Blood Freak A Classic
The Geek Bigfoot Porn
High School Ghosthustlers
Frankenstein Island You
SuperCock Not that kinda
The Alienator Feeling
Angel Midnight Fantasy
Vanity and the Beast
Tim Ritter's $0 budget wonder
Nightmare Prof. Tread
still can't sleep.
Shanty Tramp She is sumpin'
If Footmen Tire You...?
Viva' Knievel Evel of
The Killing Of A Chinese
Bookie! Smart Guy.
The Pink Angels Gayness,
The Burning The 80's,
ahhh the 80's.
Q - The Winged Serpant! Larry
Fight For Your Life!
WARNING Racist content
Walking Tall Buford Pusser
in the Hizouse!
Sleepaway Camp Internet
Born Losers Ya Loser!
Shriek of the Mutilated
Bro. George gets busy.
Bury Me An Angel
Gal Biker and more.
The Grim Reaper Reap
Abby One of William Girdler's
Deadbeat At Dawn A
Sonny Boy Carradine,
Great Hollywood Rape-Slaughter
Savage Weekend. Take
Dead and Buried. A Should-be
Hot Summer In Barefoot
Night Train To Terror
I Drink Your Blood Glug,
Vixen Russ Meyer and breasts!
Truck Stop Women Honnnk
Daddy's Deadly Darling!
Flesh Feast Maggots!
Soapy the Germ Fighter!
Why Doesn't Cathy Eat Breakfast?
Moonshine County Express!
The Night God Screamed!
White Dog Racists Pets!
Hunter's Blood City
Slickers get offed!
Devil Times Five Sean
Terror at the Red Wolf Inn
Headless Eyes See It
World's Greatest Sinner
One of the best!
The Baby! Goo Goo!
Summer Camp Nightmare Viva
Attack of the Beast Creatures
Let's Play Dead Incest
Island of Death Vacation
Evil Come, Evil Go! Bye,
Darktown Strutters Get
Poor Pretty Eddie Deep
Miami Golem Jewish Folklore
Tenement NYC Apartment
To Kill A Clown Alan Alda Vietnam Vet!
The Spook Who Sat Next To
The Door Booya!
I Woke Up Early The Day I
Died Mr. Ed Wood.
The Mutilation Man Andy
Copp goes arty on us!
The People Across The Lake
The Woman Hunt Load Up
The Devil At You Heels
These Are The Damned
Crowhaven Farm TV movie