Frankenstein Island...quickly, what vision does that title conjure
up? A remote island, a storm, a castle, eerie surf music, a monster
in a Hawaiian print shirt? Unfortunately this film offers none
of the above, but not to worry, just about everything else is
included in this Jerry Warren monsterpiece.
Yep, we got your bulk stock. Man do we got bulk stock, any particular
bulk stock Prof. Tread? You ask. Oh, July 4th balloon race style
bulk stock. Now balloons ain't all that bad and balloon race's
are probably about the most fun you can have in one but to open
a movie about Frankenstein and his island? Well, Mr. Warren is
on to something all right and through the use of poorly recorded
voice-over we get a clue, it seems there's been a tornado of sorts,
over the ocean and that tornado has ripped up the balloon belonging
to out protagonists, no doubt.
And so it begins. 4 guys and a dog, Melvin, have made it to Frankenstein
Island, Melvin even gets a credit as does, drum roll please, Great
Fucking American, John Carradine. Jerry Warren had worked with
John on The Incredible Petrified World, probably the best film
in the Warren catalog. Warren managed to cull 200 feet of Carradine
saying "Power, Power, Power, etc." Something mastermind
Fred Olen Ray would be smart enough to do himself before the Grand
Master of B-moviedome went to meet Baby Jesus. So there you go,
John Carradine gets star billing. WhyiIn 1981 would Jerry Warren
believe that John Carradine would sell this thing, who knows?
My guess, Jerry Warren probably wasn't reading the trades. But
Jerry Warren's knack for not keeping up with what Hollywood was
doing brings paydirt to the lucky who fear to tread on Frankenstein
Island. Other B-movie notables in this jewel include: Robert (Hideous
Sun Demon) Clarke, Cameron (The Toolbox Murders, Blood and Black
Lace) Mitchell, Steve (Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, Donovan's Brain)
Brodie and many members of Warren's ensemble from his past efforts...Warren
is best known because of his incredible Wild, Wild World of Batwoman,
why, well because MST3K decided to skewer that ultra low budget
wonder. Warren waited almost 20 years before he decided his swan
song had to be Frankenstein Island. Lucky us.
The plot goes a little like this...Our four yuks are on the island,
after the dog takes a leak, they encounter beautiful, leopard
print wearing, Jungle Women, well first, they encounter a Jungle
Woman, who is strung up kind of like a "human hammock,"
odd, well, I think so, you would probably think so, but to these
guys...no big deal. It's bidness as usual as the come upon a wirl
relaxing between to trees. So then the rest of the Jungle Gals
show up. There is some Jungle Gal dancing, some Jungle Gal cavorting,
and my favorite, some Jungle Gal Skull Bong Hitting. Yep, there
On with the plot, a couple guys named Jocko and Angus show up,
laughing their asses off about something, I mean seriously laughing,
I mean haw, haw, haw, snort, haw, haw, type shit and convince
the guys to leave the beautiful Jungle Women and come look at
something with them. Of course, they leave, who wouldn't, beautiful
Jungle Women's dancing around nude, smoking wacky weed, handling
snakes (wink, wink), oh, I'm out of there. I wonder what these
two are laughing about!
So they run into Cameron Mitchell, who's been there for 17 years.
Cameron gets the BIG diatribe, obviously before falling into a
drunken stupor and then we are off to meet Von Helsing and his
wife who is a direct descendent of Dr. Frankenstein (Carradine).
Von Helsing is 200 years old, needs Jungle Girl blood, goat blood,
and even Cameron Mitchell blood (100 Proof no doubt) to keep living
the good life. You know the good life the one where you are oin
a roll-a-way bed shoved over in the corner of a lab. Convinced
you have to see this yet...you damened well should be!
More talk of Brains, Blood, Power, Goats, and more Manical Laughing
until you think you are going to fucking keel over when bam, boom
the actual galddamned Frankenstein monster makes an appearance.
Looking like a slightly less convincing but no less menacing Karloff
monster, walking with the "outta the way, outta the way"
patent pending Frankenstein arm motioning, he gets to work, causing
the zomibes on the island who are decked out in toboggans and
hiding behind those Foster Grants to go on a crazed walk, that's
right I said, walk, through the lab. A Civil War machine gun,
a child's Halloween Devil Pitchfork, some fake vampire teeth and
a spinning electronic cigar box all get screen time durng this
Our heroes scurry away and we end up with a ending that any of
us could have written at age 10 after an epsidoe of Kookla, Fran
and Ollie and some Archways. I won't give it away but pay offs
are many and if you are tired of re-watching Ed Wood's triumphs
in low-brow entertainment (believe me when I say, if you believe
Ed Wood is the worst director ever, you are a misinformed, rank
amateur) give Mr. Warren's final effort a try and remember this
thing hit the streets in 1982, it might have been the last of
its kind, seriously. Tragically Warren died of cancer and many
of the actors never even got paid for their roles in Frankenstein
Island. Robert Clarke remembers Warren phoning him up to bring
make-up with him for the other actors during the shoot and describes
Warren as "a screaming idiot" on the set. Clarke once
asked "how do you expect to get performances out of people,
when you can't calm down and speak normally." I think we
know the answer, he didn't.
Never one to fall back on the worn "so bad it is good"
copout, I will simply say, if you like to waste moments of your
life chuckling at movie magic that is looking for the mark and
missing it not slightly, but by a country mile. Find this, watch
it, base a cook-out or dinner party on the fact you will be showing
it. You might be surprised to find you have instantly won marks
for your obvious good taste and utter film flamboyance, or you
are murdered, your corpse sodomized and ultimately you end up
in a 55 gallon drum in a rented storage unit in Muddy Ford, Kentucky...either
way you are/were a hit.
|Outta the way, outta
the way. Frankenstein arrives with some zombies!
Gestapo Black Exploitation?
From Tobacco Row It's Good!
Squad Join Today!
Meateater Do Not Touch!
Stranger Run Run Opie!
House On Hwy 5 Sheesh!
Locked Doors It's Dirty!
Massacre Some Like It.
Pussy It had to be done
Alley It is Rock.
Woman Truck. Woman.
Freak A Classic for You!
Geek Bigfoot Porn
School Ghosthustlers Wow!
Island You Must See!
Not that kinda Cock!
Alienator Feeling Alienated?
Island Vanity and the Beast
Spree Tim Ritter's $0 budget wonder
Prof. Tread still can't sleep.
Tramp She is sumpin' else.
Footmen Tire You...? Heavy religiosity!
Knievel Evel of Course!
Killing Of A Chinese Bookie! Smart Guy.
Pink Angels Gayness, and Bikes
Burning The 80's, ahhh the 80's.
- The Winged Serpant! Larry Cohen rules!
For Your Life! WARNING Racist content
Tall Buford Pusser in the Hizouse!
Camp Internet Geeks Unite!
Losers Ya Loser!
of the Mutilated Bro. George gets busy.
Me An Angel Gal Biker and more.
Grim Reaper Reap on.
One of William Girdler's triumphs.
At Dawn A Modern Classic.
Boy Carradine, Dress, Dourif!
Hollywood Rape-Slaughter Rare expose'.
Savage Weekend. Take
Dead and Buried.
A Should-be Classic.
Summer In Barefoot County. PeeUww!
Night Train To
Terror Choo Choo!
Drink Your Blood Glug, glug!
Russ Meyer and breasts!
Stop Women Honnnk HonnnnK!
Deadly Darling! Pigs!
the Germ Fighter! Clean up!
Doesn't Cathy Eat Breakfast? Why?!
County Express! Glug, Glug!
The Night God Screamed!
White Dog Racists
City Slickers get offed!
Times Five Sean MacGregor's Titantic!
at the Red Wolf Inn Burp!
Eyes See It
Greatest Sinner One of the best!
Baby! Goo Goo!
Camp Nightmare Viva the Revolution!
of the Beast Creatures Booga!
Play Dead Incest craziness!
of Death Vacation madness!
Come, Evil Go! Bye, Bye Sinners!
Strutters Get Black Sucker!
Pretty Eddie Deep South Craziness!
Golem Jewish Folklore or what?
NYC Apartment Blues
To Kill A Clown
Alan Alda Vietnam Vet!
Spook Who Sat Next To The Door Booya!
Woke Up Early The Day I Died Mr. Ed Wood.
Mutilation Man Andy Copp goes arty on us!
People Across The Lake Good TV!
Woman Hunt Load Up Gents.
Devil At You Heels Daring Devil.
Are The Damned Dammit!
Farm TV movie Classic!