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Oh man, have I been putting this off. Been avoiding writing this review like a root canal. I hope you guys appreciate this, lets get it over with.

HORROR HOUSE ON HIGHWAY 5 (1985) First of all, a movie with "Horror House" in the title evokes a few images. Will the Horror House be a spooky, cobweb covered mansion like in an old universal movie? Or will it be a trashy, corpse-filled Gein inspired shack like in Texas Chainsaw? Why heavens no, this "Horror House" is actually a charming little Hollywood bungalow! Hell, most of us couldn't afford to rent this "Horror House"! But I'm getting ahead of myself, lets get to the "plot".

We open on Retard #1 and Retard #2 sitting around playing with a tarot deck. They aren't funny but they're supposed to be. Cut to a couple at home. The husband scares his wife with a Dick Nixon mask. Some guy steals the mask and kills both of them. This part is promising, as it's done straight and is almost kind of good for this sort of thing. Don't get your hopes up though. Cut to "City College", where retard #3 is teaching a class about Barthalomew. In the class are retard #4 , a clumsy girl, and retard #5, a balding idiot. They're supposed to be funny but they aren't.

Retard #3 tells the class that Barthalomew actually did a lot of work up near highway 5 so that might be a good place to complete the class's experiments. What are the experiments? Beats me, they never really tell us. Retard #4 visits retards #s1 and 2 to interview them about Barthalomew. They all try to be funny. Retard #1 tells retard#4 that he knows all about Barthalomew while retard #2 burns some french toast or something. Retard#4 leaves and retard #1 sends retard #2 to kidnap her, but retard #2 screws up and grabs the wrong girl because, well, he's a retard. Retard #4 eventually returns on her own and is drugged by retard #1 and taken to the horror house where they burn retard #4 with an iron because she was asking too many questions about Barthalomew. Meanwhile retard #5 and a girl who, to be fair, appears to be of normal intelligence drive out to a field somewhere to complete their experiments about Barthalomew. They have lots of explosives for some reason that is never made clear.


Anyway, retard #2 is falling in love with retard #4 while retard #1 is sensing barthalomew's presence. Ahhh!!! barthalomew's supposed to be dead!!! Retard #5 and the girl find a dead cat and their van dies so they get spooked and tell Barthalomew stories and wire up land mines and rig a homemade bazooka. Jesus. Here comes retard #6 and his girlfriend! He's driving drunk and gets into an altercation with Richard Nixon guy and is murdered, but not before running over Tricky Dick with his tricked up 'Stang.

Cut back to retard #1 who has worms falling out of his head. Why is never made clear, but it does give him an opportunity to do a long, painful monologue about something that is never made clear. Retard #2 is still falling in love with retard #4. And oh yeah, Barthalomew is close. You can smell him.

Retard #4 is trying to trick retard #2 into letting her go. Retard #6's girlfriend shows up at the horror house and is killed by Nixon guy. A fairly good Lou Reed type song plays on the soundtrack but it doesn't help. Retard #5 sets out on foot to get help and wanders into the house with the couple from the beginning of the movie, he tries to be funny and fails. He heads on over to the H.H. and is killed by Nixon. Good, were running out of cast.

The girl from the van who isn't a retard heads out on foot over to the H.H.O.H.5 and tries to rescue retard #4 but #4 is killed by #2. Retard #1 reveals in his diary that he and #2 are brothers and Barthalomew is their father. #1 goes after van girl but he's blowed up real good with the a land mine. Van girl takes off again ,is attacked by Nixon and blows HIM up real good with the bazooka. She unmasks him and it's....it's.....some guy. Barthalomew I guess.

She makes it across the horrible access road of Highway 5 to Highway 5 proper and is rescued by the Richard Dreyfuss-esque Retard #7. But wait! He's a Barthalomew follower and Barthalomew is in the back of his van, still alive!!! She gets away anyway. There you have it, Horror House On Highway 5. Made by nobody, written by nobody, starring nobody. Not a reason in the world why you should see it.

One more big laugh:. The credits say the Richard Nixon guy is played by "Ronald Reagan". AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA!!!! Fuck you.

Guess Who? The Real Dick!

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Retard #1 He Is Suave And Devilish.

Retard #2 He Loves The Girl He Is Ironing Below.

Retard #4 She Is Getting Her Dress Ironed While She Waits.

Let Me Make One Thing Perfectly Clear, Barthalomew Rules!

Tricky Dick Takes Out The Fucking Director Of This Turd!

Ow, Damn Horror Garden Weasel!

Couldn't Make Up Anything Funnier!

Unfortunately This Happens In The First 5 Minutes and This Is As Good As It Gets.

Brains On Film 2003