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Oh man, is this sweet. I tells ya people, Tuesday night at the Turner ranch don't get no better than this; a 40 of lukewarm Bud, a MR. P's (TM) frozen cheese pizza-58 cents(!) of pure Italian satisfaction- and I get to review THE BORN LOSERS (1967-the same year a certain movie reviewer was pooped out of his mom). God I love life right now.

Now THE BORN LOSERS is pretty much known for one thing and that thing is the debut appearance of Tom Laughlin's hippie pacifist ass-kicking karate expert 'Nam vet Native American icon in denim named Billy Jack. THE BORN LOSERS begat the film BILLY JACK (1971) which became a HUGE hit by appealing to the antiestablishment bent of the time . BILLY JACK is simply one of the most successful American independent films ever. Laughlin paid his own money for the prints of the thing and for advertising it and touring it around in true DIY fashion since no studio wanted a part of it. And boy did it make money. It touched a generation. And boy did it make money. It spawned the hit song "One Tin Soldier". And boyyyy did it make money. BILLY JACK became a bonafide cultural phenomenon. Know what tho? IT SUCKED!! You heard me assholes, this is my Goddamn review and I will speak the truth: BILLY JACK SUCKED VIET CONG DONKEY DICKS. It was a lotta simple-minded , self- indulgent, self- righteous, self-important stoner horse-shit.

And the BILLY JACK sequels that followed were even worse. I'm in the minority here I know, just check out this BORN LOSERS review I stole from the IMDB::

California, USA Date: 13 October 1998
Summary: Stayed up till 2 am for nothing. My husband and I stumbled on this movie late one night on our TV. We decided to watch it because we liked the other 2 Billy Jack movies and were hoping we would like this one too -- we didn't! We actually stayed up till 2 am to watch it all the way to the end, hoping it would get better, because the TV Guide gave it a 3-star rating. We thought the acting was awful, what little plot there was made no sense to us, we didn't care about the characters and we thought the dialog was pathetic. It wasn't even "so bad that it was funny" -- we just found it boring. Even though the acting wasn't all that much better in the other Billy Jack movies, they at least had cohesive plotlines with characters that we actually cared about (and one had a hit song, to boot!).

Can you believe this dumb cunt?? Yo honey, you wanna hear "One Tin Soldier"? Put on FOR LOVERS ONLY by KILLDOZER.

Anyway, my spleen is vented, howsabout a review?? Now THE BORN LOSERS was indeed written and produced and directed by Mr. Laughlin despite what the credits tell ya, and while it isn't the best directing, writing, or producing job you'll ever see it sure beats the "Give a monkey 'ludes and strap a camera to his head while talking about elk and children" technique that Tom employed in future films. This is a gritty lil' "lone wolf vs. bikers to save a chick" film see, and it's a damn satisfying one.

The B.L.'s of the title are a bad-ass biker gang who rule a small town; the citizens fear them, the cops aren't evil or corrupt but are shackled by the inanities of the liberal legal system (Whoa Tom! Don't mix up your ham-fisted political stereotypes!) And the young ladies of the town are getting drugged, bullied, and seduced into nasties with the bikers in true exploitation film fashion. Who can blame the girls? I know you ladies out there are just aching to do a smelly guy named Cueball, Crabs, or Gangrene. Who can stop these asshole bad guys? A wooden fake Indian in a Levi jacket? MMMMMMMMMMMM could be!

Billy Jack makes his debut here, and solidly kicks some biker ass and gets put in jail despite being in the right (bummer.....) Billy's gonna lose his farm if he don't act right so Billy decides to mind his own damn business. We don't see him again for about 40 minutes. Good. 'Cause now we get to see the best part of BORN LOSERS, Elizabeth James, who is as cute as all buttons , as Vicky Barrington. Ms. James other film credit is a bit part in DIRTY MARY, CRAZY LARRY so she's now neck and neck with Robbie Lee (SWITCHBLADE SISTERS, LINDA LOVELACE FOR PRESIDENT) in the B.O.F "Adorable as hell blip-on-the-radar sleazy movie chippie" contest. Vicky Barrington is one unforgettable movie character on her white motorcycle in her white bikini and white shades and white go-go boots. Ya gotta admit, it's one hell of a look. So the bikers rape her and 3 other local girls. And the whole second act of the movie is all leading up to the trial and whether any of the girls under incompetent protective custody will testify against the bikers because the victims know the pigs wont help 'em. Right now this town needs a hero. They need a hero who can't act.

Steven Seagal should give Tom Laughlin a check every time he wipes his ass. Tom sure pioneered the fake ethnic type who acts stoic since he constantly has to combat woodpeckers attacking his forehead. . But that's Ok tho, cause Tom sure delivers here, kicking and punching and being a real movie bad-ass. Doesn't help Ms. James who gets raped and beaten yet again for being spunky and brave. Billy finally takes matters in his own hands and puts a bullet into the forehead of the main man in the gang. Unfortunately he takes a bullet from the pigs for his trouble. He lives tho, apparently as the new Mr. Liz James. I guess that'll have to pass for a happy ending.

This is a dirty ,grim, unpleasant , well made, fun little exploitation classic. One of the great biker movies. The rape in this film is nearly as disturbing as Tom Laughlin's acting. For our feelings on rape click here. There is nowhere to click from help from Tom Laughlin... "ONE TIN SOLDIER RIDES AWAAAAAYYYYYY..."

WEBMASTER NOTE: Sorry about the midi...hahahahaha!

Ain't no booties likes this anymore!

Billy Jack goes to the store. A ass-kicking Native American has to eat, don't he?

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Fresh from the Randy Savage yard sale, Donnie gets rough.

The Laughlins ladies and gentlemen.

Vicky Barrington, prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

More Vicky!!! Woooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooooow!

Look at Vicky, What a beautiful gal. I think.

Damn, these damn Born Losers, they are no good, I can tell.

Billy Frickin' Jack. Bam! BooYaa!


Damn, what can you say? Viiiiiiiiccccckkkky!

Am I giving too much away?

Ouch, Billy Jack, that looks sore. Sore...Loser! Ohhhh hoho Sore Loser, bah!
Brains On Film 2003