Oh man, is this sweet. I tells ya people, Tuesday night at the
Turner ranch don't get no better than this; a 40 of lukewarm Bud,
a MR. P's (TM) frozen cheese pizza-58 cents(!) of pure Italian
satisfaction- and I get to review THE BORN LOSERS (1967-the same
year a certain movie reviewer was pooped out of his mom). God
I love life right now.
Now THE BORN LOSERS is pretty much known for one thing and that
thing is the debut appearance of Tom Laughlin's hippie pacifist
ass-kicking karate expert 'Nam vet Native American icon in denim
named Billy Jack. THE BORN LOSERS begat the film BILLY JACK (1971)
which became a HUGE hit by appealing to the antiestablishment
bent of the time . BILLY JACK is simply one of the most successful
American independent films ever. Laughlin paid his own money for
the prints of the thing and for advertising it and touring it
around in true DIY fashion since no studio wanted a part of it.
And boy did it make money. It touched a generation. And boy did
it make money. It spawned the hit song "One Tin Soldier". And
boyyyy did it make money. BILLY JACK became a bonafide cultural
phenomenon. Know what tho? IT SUCKED!! You heard me assholes,
this is my Goddamn review and I will speak the truth: BILLY JACK
SUCKED VIET CONG DONKEY DICKS. It was a lotta simple-minded ,
self- indulgent, self- righteous, self-important stoner horse-shit.
And the BILLY JACK sequels that followed were even worse. I'm
in the minority here I know, just check out this BORN LOSERS review
I stole from the IMDB::
California, USA Date: 13 October 1998
Summary: Stayed up till 2 am for nothing. My husband and
I stumbled on this movie late one night on our TV. We decided
to watch it because we liked the other 2 Billy Jack movies and
were hoping we would like this one too -- we didn't! We actually
stayed up till 2 am to watch it all the way to the end, hoping
it would get better, because the TV Guide gave it a 3-star rating.
We thought the acting was awful, what little plot there was made
no sense to us, we didn't care about the characters and we thought
the dialog was pathetic. It wasn't even "so bad that it was funny"
-- we just found it boring. Even though the acting wasn't all
that much better in the other Billy Jack movies, they at least
had cohesive plotlines with characters that we actually cared
about (and one had a hit song, to boot!).
Can you believe this dumb cunt?? Yo honey, you wanna hear "One
Tin Soldier"? Put on FOR LOVERS ONLY by KILLDOZER.
Anyway, my spleen is vented, howsabout a review?? Now THE BORN
LOSERS was indeed written and produced and directed by Mr. Laughlin
despite what the credits tell ya, and while it isn't the best
directing, writing, or producing job you'll ever see it sure beats
the "Give a monkey 'ludes and strap a camera to his head while
talking about elk and children" technique that Tom employed in
future films. This is a gritty lil' "lone wolf vs. bikers to save
a chick" film see, and it's a damn satisfying one.
The B.L.'s of the title are a bad-ass biker gang who rule a small
town; the citizens fear them, the cops aren't evil or corrupt
but are shackled by the inanities of the liberal legal system
(Whoa Tom! Don't mix up your ham-fisted political stereotypes!)
And the young ladies of the town are getting drugged, bullied,
and seduced into nasties with the bikers in true exploitation
film fashion. Who can blame the girls? I know you ladies out there
are just aching to do a smelly guy named Cueball, Crabs, or Gangrene.
Who can stop these asshole bad guys? A wooden fake Indian in a
Levi jacket? MMMMMMMMMMMM could be!
Billy Jack makes his debut here, and solidly kicks some biker
ass and gets put in jail despite being in the right (bummer.....)
Billy's gonna lose his farm if he don't act right so Billy decides
to mind his own damn business. We don't see him again for about
40 minutes. Good. 'Cause now we get to see the best part of BORN
LOSERS, Elizabeth James, who is as cute as all buttons , as Vicky
Barrington. Ms. James other film credit is a bit part in DIRTY
MARY, CRAZY LARRY so she's now neck and neck with Robbie Lee (SWITCHBLADE
SISTERS, LINDA LOVELACE FOR PRESIDENT) in the B.O.F "Adorable
as hell blip-on-the-radar sleazy movie chippie" contest. Vicky
Barrington is one unforgettable movie character on her white motorcycle
in her white bikini and white shades and white go-go boots. Ya
gotta admit, it's one hell of a look. So the bikers rape her and
3 other local girls. And the whole second act of the movie is
all leading up to the trial and whether any of the girls under
incompetent protective custody will testify against the bikers
because the victims know the pigs wont help 'em. Right now this
town needs a hero. They need a hero who can't act.
Steven Seagal should give Tom Laughlin a check every time he
wipes his ass. Tom sure pioneered the fake ethnic type who acts
stoic since he constantly has to combat woodpeckers attacking
his forehead. . But that's Ok tho, cause Tom sure delivers here,
kicking and punching and being a real movie bad-ass. Doesn't help
Ms. James who gets raped and beaten yet again for being spunky
and brave. Billy finally takes matters in his own hands and puts
a bullet into the forehead of the main man in the gang. Unfortunately
he takes a bullet from the pigs for his trouble. He lives tho,
apparently as the new Mr. Liz James. I guess that'll have to pass
for a happy ending.
This is a dirty ,grim, unpleasant , well made, fun little exploitation
classic. One of the great biker movies. The rape in this film
is nearly as disturbing as Tom Laughlin's acting. For our feelings
on rape click here.
There is nowhere to click from help from Tom Laughlin... "ONE
TIN SOLDIER RIDES AWAAAAAYYYYYY..."
WEBMASTER NOTE: Sorry about the midi...hahahahaha!
|Ain't no booties
likes this anymore!
|Billy Jack goes to
the store. A ass-kicking Native American has to eat, don't
Jumpin' Joe wants you!Mail
Gestapo Black Exploitation?
From Tobacco Row It's Good!
Squad Join Today!
Meateater Do Not Touch!
Stranger Run Run Opie!
House On Hwy 5 Sheesh!
Locked Doors It's Dirty!
Massacre Some Like It.
Pussy It had to be done
Alley It is Rock.
Woman Truck. Woman.
Freak A Classic for You!
Geek Bigfoot Porn
School Ghosthustlers Wow!
Island You Must See!
Not that kinda Cock!
Alienator Feeling Alienated?
Island Vanity and the Beast
Spree Tim Ritter's $0 budget wonder
Prof. Tread still can't sleep.
Tramp She is sumpin' else.
Footmen Tire You...? Heavy religiosity!
Knievel Evel of Course!
Killing Of A Chinese Bookie! Smart Guy.
Pink Angels Gayness, and Bikes
Burning The 80's, ahhh the 80's.
- The Winged Serpant! Larry Cohen rules!
For Your Life! WARNING Racist content
Tall Buford Pusser in the Hizouse!
Camp Internet Geeks Unite!
Losers Ya Loser!
of the Mutilated Bro. George gets busy.
Me An Angel Gal Biker and more.
Grim Reaper Reap on.
One of William Girdler's triumphs.
At Dawn A Modern Classic.
Boy Carradine, Dress, Dourif!
Hollywood Rape-Slaughter Rare expose'.
Savage Weekend. Take
Dead and Buried.
A Should-be Classic.
Summer In Barefoot County. PeeUww!
Night Train To
Terror Choo Choo!
Drink Your Blood Glug, glug!
Russ Meyer and breasts!
Stop Women Honnnk HonnnnK!
Deadly Darling! Pigs!
the Germ Fighter! Clean up!
Doesn't Cathy Eat Breakfast? Why?!
County Express! Glug, Glug!
The Night God Screamed!
White Dog Racists
City Slickers get offed!
Times Five Sean MacGregor's Titantic!
at the Red Wolf Inn Burp!
Eyes See It
Greatest Sinner One of the best!
Baby! Goo Goo!
Camp Nightmare Viva the Revolution!
of the Beast Creatures Booga!
Play Dead Incest craziness!
of Death Vacation madness!
Come, Evil Go! Bye, Bye Sinners!
Strutters Get Black Sucker!
Pretty Eddie Deep South Craziness!
Golem Jewish Folklore or what?
NYC Apartment Blues
To Kill A Clown
Alan Alda Vietnam Vet!
Spook Who Sat Next To The Door Booya!
Woke Up Early The Day I Died Mr. Ed Wood.
Mutilation Man Andy Copp goes arty on us!
People Across The Lake Good TV!
Woman Hunt Load Up Gents.
Devil At You Heels Daring Devil.
Are The Damned Dammit!
Farm TV movie Classic!