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The Meateater (the 70's)…Holy Mother of Jesus. I didn't really want to do a review that was negative about something that we spy on officially sanctioned Intestinal Fortitude Movie Nights, because these nights are like attending church, some sermons are better than others and you feel bathed in the glow of the Holy Spirit sometimes more than others. But I decided this was a fucking service to our loyal viewers to remove any desire from anyone to ever purchase this film, to ever watch this film or EVEN discuss the title of this film (something we vowed not to do after watching "The Meateater.")

First off this is not a gay porno although that would have been better, I am positive. A bit of strange internet related smega, about 30% of all the posts on homosexual message boards, newsgroups and chats are from folks with the username Meateater, ahh, the subtlity of the male homosexual. Can you imagine going to the straight singles chat and entering your username as "Carpet Muncher," but I digress.

The Crest movie theater is for sale. Some creepy, liver-spotted man-thing is watching the Frank Capra film, Platinum Blonde, alone by himself at night in a projection booth. When it's done, he wanders off and eats a rat in gory close-up (hint right here, that is it folks on the meateating, that rat, a couple of hot dogs from the concession stand, that is it, Cannibal Ferox, this ain't.) This fucker will watch Platinum Blonde twice more in the course of this film, so the makers of The Meateater are playing tribute a classic '30s film by a good director, right? Hell no, it is the set-up for a tale of obsession, of one man's dream and of meateating.

But all of that has nothing to do with this old, haggered projectionist, it is all about shoe salesman Medford Webster. Peter Spitzer plays Medford, and I only want to know one goddamned thing, who told Mr. Spitzer to act? Who? I want this person killed. No wait, that is too easy, I want that person forced to watch the blight on humanity that he caused, over and over and over until, he has no choice but to take his own life, not from the shear horror of having to sit through Mr. Spitzer's absolute horrible fucking acting but merely from guilt from urging this 2-bit dinner playhouse hack to… "go on, Pete, the big screen is your ticket, you are fucking great man... no teeth, no teeth, there you go."

If there is a performance out there, that you the BOF fan thinks is bad, bring that shit on, bring it, this guy is my fucking leading man, I have seen some incredibly bad acting, I have done some incredibly bad acting, this shit can go up against anything, just bring it. For the entire length of the movie, there's no relief from Spitzer and his nasal, petulant voice. Truly one of the most annoying individuals ever to grace a screen, I shit you not. The rest of the cast, no, they weren't great, but next to Spitzer's mind-numbing awfulness, they look competent, and that is saying something.

Anyway, Medford comes home, complains to his spouse about how rotten his life is, then he finds that his bid on the Crest Theater has been accepted, this has been Medford's "dream," his goddamned dream, I tells ya, to own a movie theater. Of course, his wife of 17 years knows nothing of this dream, like all wives she wants to dash her husbands dreams, to go against all that poor Medford has dreamed about for so long, secretly, alone, with his shriveled, little pecker firmly in his hand, but that would have ended this abomination right there, so the family leaves town to take up this new business. Makes sense, huh?

The Crest has been closed for five years; because the last owner showed porn films there, nobody would attend. Yeah, people can't stand pornography, nope, that is why the internet has failed, people just hate the porn. The Webster's they got a plan and it is strongshow nature films, thus packing the theater. That is a fucking plan, man, go Medford!

Medford hires a projectionist named Raymond, a nerdy guy who seems chiefly interested in ogling Medford's daughter, Jeannie. In fact, you get the feeling that Raymond was probably the most disappointed man in town when the previous theater owner packed up and left. You also get the feeling that Raymond's going to be dead soon. That gut instinct of yours would be right. As for Jeannie, she's pleasant enough to look at, Given that they obviously cast her to look like Jean Harlow, from Platinum Blond, but no cheap peeks, not much of anything really, except unlikable is Ms. Jeannie.

On opening night, Raymond fumbles around a lot in some excruciating "comedy." He has a hard time playing the sound for the nature film. Unfortunately, he succeeds in the end, and some of the worst narrative ever spawned for a nature film is played into my cowering ears. Then the old man from the opening scene electrocutes Raymond. Without really trying, Raymond becomes the most likable character in "The Maneater" and is promptly killed. Nice. But thankfully along with Raymond goes the "comic relief". Is this thing going to turn it around, is there something tasty going to happen? These questions are answered with a resounding "No."

Guys like us we are willing to give these movies a chance, right, they might deliver, right, just around the corner, this thing might have a redeeming scene, right? Hell fucking no, this thing doesn't get there. Period.

The nature film is turned off, and a light from behind the movie screen reveals a hanging man to the audience. The theater patrons all flee from their seats screaming, much as the watchers of "The Meateater" itself must have done. The police arrive and break down the door to the "backstage," where they find the hanging body of Crawford, who I think was the theater's previous owner, and who didn't leave town after all as everybody thought…snore, uh, oh, sorry, dozed off.

Mrs. Webster finds an old stuttering guy mooning about in the theater, mourning his brother Ben, who long ago was burned alive in the theater. Ben was a projectionist and one night the nitrate film caught fire, burning him alive. No points for guessing that Ben is the old man who's been watching films by himself. Now if you are jumping ahead and saying "wait a minute Prof. Tread I bet Ben is going to be the killer" well whoop de fucking doo, you done figured it out.

Anyway, the Websters show the same nature film again a few nights later to another packed house, of course, because people love to watch nature films, and this shows a couple of rhinos fucking which is fucking entertainment, fuckers. Ben strangles a long-haired bespectacled teen dude, just because, and meanwhile Jeannie, who is working the theater concession stand with her mom, throws a babyish temper tantrum and runs off because the women at the stand needs a straw or something.

The most disgusting portion of the film arrives as we are forced to watch as weiners go 'round and 'round on a carousel at the concession stand. Count how many product placements you can see for meat companies, there is a shot, which will be etched in my nightmares for years, of the Websters driving along screeching "I Wish I Were An Oscar Meyer Wiener." It has no purpose whatsoever except to inflict pain on the viewer. This thing had to have been funded with a grant from the National Lips and Assholes Council.

Anyhoo, our killer, Ben, intercepts Jeannie and drags her off to an isolated room in the second story of the theater. Ben, who is of course horribly disfigured by burns, protests his love to Jeannie, because she looks just like Jean Harlow from the movie Platinum Blonde that Ben is always watching.

After the show is over and the patrons are gone, he shows her the long-haired kid's corpse as a "surprise," you know just to impress her, kind of one of those kewl trick us guys do to girls we are infatuated with. "Take a look at this, I strangled this dude, pretty cool, want to make out?" Then he drags her down into the seats and forces her to watch Platinum Blonde.

Jeannie's parents finally notice that she's missing and start looking for her. In the most amazing sequence in the film and it is not that amazing just plain stupid, Mrs. Webster calls the police to help find Jeannie, then looks across the street and notices that the light is running in the theater's projection booth. She instantly realizes that Jeannie might still be in the theater, and hangs up on the dispatcher to run off and find Jeannie herself! She has run off without her key to the theater, so she has to break the glass doors to get in. She then grabs Jeannie (who is carrying on and screaming and being generally useless) away from Ben and drags her up the aisle to the front of the theater.

Lo and behold, Ben's harmless brother is standing at the broken door, so Jeannie and Mrs. Webster turn around and run back down the aisle toward Ben!!! Somehow Ben misses them and he chases them around for awhile. When they evade him, both Ben and his brother climb to the top of the theater. I think, the fucking thing is shot so horribly and of course the 2 brothers are the same damn actor so really I don't know what the hell happened except we are on the roof. Why? Uh, I don't know.

So Ben's brother pleads with him to stop the carnage and then throws Ben off the top of the theater to his death on the concrete below, splattering his brains everywhere. FINALLY. And then a classic scene where Jeannie, screams NOOOOOOOO! as she dips her hand in his brain goo, as if she had lived ol' Ben, she had just been fooling all along. Goddamn, she had just been kidnapped by the guy, held hostage, forced to watch an old movie, showed a corpse, oh, I get it, of course, she had fallen in love with him.

The Websters sell the theater and Medford must go back to selling shoes. The obsession, the dream, DEAD, finally. And somebody (who? I don't know or care) is still watching movies alone at night in the Crest Theater. The End! Or is it. "The Meateater" sequel. Kill me now, great lord, kill me know. Okay, now I have done more writing on a movie review than I ever wanted, why?, so you will not watch this thing, I am trying to give you some slight understanding of how stupid this movie is, but you cannot realize how slowly and boringly all these stupid fucking things happen. The pacing of this turd is that of a stroke victim on a walker.

I will not name most of the actors in this movie. They have their lives to live, and have a right to leave this unfortunate episode behind them. But for Peter Spitzer, let there be no mercy! This man, who did not shrink from claiming the timeless classic Gas Pump Girls as his lone credit in the Internet Movie Database, chose to leave this movie off of his resume. And director-screenwriter Derek Savage should and will burn in hell for this.

Fans of genre flicks, horror, schlock, exploitation, porn, bukkake, whatever, if you see this box, do not pick it up, do not even look at the box, the scenes are not even in the movie that are on the box, anyway, do not say "Oh, Prof. Tread says this thing is horrible, I have to see it." No you do not. You should not. Don't. I mean it. Don't. I'm sorry. I had to do this. It is a service to you guys. I mean it. (So Tread thinks HE hated this movie? He didnt spend the 1st half of it with a crush on Medford's son! - - Jumpin' Joe)

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The best part of The Meateater, the box!

Does the word "meateater" look like hotdogs or what?

Our Hero! Peter Spitzer as Medford, A Man With A Dream!

Grizzly Safari, A Wholesome Movie with Rhinos Humpin'!

Raymond and Jeannie's Ass, the 2 never get together, dammit!

The Ghasty Horror of over cooked weiners! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

"Oh you need a lid, listen lady I don't know where the lids are."

Something scary, the former owner of The Crest.

Something scarier, Medford's son downing a long, hard one!

"Honey, bring me some mustard for this shank, would ya?"

The climatic scene..."I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner" no, I am not even shitting you.
Brains On Film 2003