The Meateater (the 70's)…Holy Mother of Jesus. I didn't really
want to do a review that was negative about something that we
spy on officially sanctioned Intestinal Fortitude Movie Nights,
because these nights are like attending church, some sermons are
better than others and you feel bathed in the glow of the Holy
Spirit sometimes more than others. But I decided this was a fucking
service to our loyal viewers to remove any desire from anyone
to ever purchase this film, to ever watch this film or EVEN discuss
the title of this film (something we vowed not to do after watching
First off this is not a gay porno although that would have been
better, I am positive. A bit of strange internet related smega,
about 30% of all the posts on homosexual message boards, newsgroups
and chats are from folks with the username Meateater, ahh,
the subtlity of the male homosexual. Can you imagine going to
the straight singles chat and entering your username as "Carpet
Muncher," but I digress.
The Crest movie theater is for sale. Some creepy, liver-spotted
man-thing is watching the Frank Capra film, Platinum Blonde, alone
by himself at night in a projection booth. When it's done, he
wanders off and eats a rat in gory close-up (hint right here,
that is it folks on the meateating, that rat, a couple of hot
dogs from the concession stand, that is it, Cannibal Ferox, this
ain't.) This fucker will watch Platinum Blonde twice more in the
course of this film, so the makers of The Meateater are playing
tribute a classic '30s film by a good director, right? Hell no,
it is the set-up for a tale of obsession, of one man's dream and
But all of that has nothing to do with this old, haggered projectionist,
it is all about shoe salesman Medford Webster. Peter Spitzer plays
Medford, and I only want to know one goddamned thing, who told
Mr. Spitzer to act? Who? I want this person killed. No wait, that
is too easy, I want that person forced to watch the blight on
humanity that he caused, over and over and over until, he has
no choice but to take his own life, not from the shear horror
of having to sit through Mr. Spitzer's absolute horrible fucking
acting but merely from guilt from urging this 2-bit dinner playhouse
hack to… "go on, Pete, the big screen is your ticket, you are
fucking great man... no teeth, no teeth, there you go."
If there is a performance out there, that you the BOF fan thinks
is bad, bring that shit on, bring it, this guy is my fucking leading
man, I have seen some incredibly bad acting, I have done some
incredibly bad acting, this shit can go up against anything, just
bring it. For the entire length of the movie, there's no relief
from Spitzer and his nasal, petulant voice. Truly one of the most
annoying individuals ever to grace a screen, I shit you not. The
rest of the cast, no, they weren't great, but next to Spitzer's
mind-numbing awfulness, they look competent, and that is saying
Anyway, Medford comes home, complains to his spouse about how
rotten his life is, then he finds that his bid on the Crest Theater
has been accepted, this has been Medford's "dream," his goddamned
dream, I tells ya, to own a movie theater. Of course, his wife
of 17 years knows nothing of this dream, like all wives she wants
to dash her husbands dreams, to go against all that poor Medford
has dreamed about for so long, secretly, alone, with his shriveled,
little pecker firmly in his hand, but that would have ended this
abomination right there, so the family leaves town to take up
this new business. Makes sense, huh?
The Crest has been closed for five years; because the last owner
showed porn films there, nobody would attend. Yeah, people can't
stand pornography, nope, that is why the internet has failed,
people just hate the porn. The Webster's they got a plan and it
is strong…show nature films, thus packing the theater.
That is a fucking plan, man, go Medford!
Medford hires a projectionist named Raymond, a nerdy guy who
seems chiefly interested in ogling Medford's daughter, Jeannie.
In fact, you get the feeling that Raymond was probably the most
disappointed man in town when the previous theater owner packed
up and left. You also get the feeling that Raymond's going to
be dead soon. That gut instinct of yours would be right. As for
Jeannie, she's pleasant enough to look at, Given that they obviously
cast her to look like Jean Harlow, from Platinum Blond, but no
cheap peeks, not much of anything really, except unlikable is
On opening night, Raymond fumbles around a lot in some excruciating
"comedy." He has a hard time playing the sound for the nature
film. Unfortunately, he succeeds in the end, and some of the worst
narrative ever spawned for a nature film is played into my cowering
ears. Then the old man from the opening scene electrocutes Raymond.
Without really trying, Raymond becomes the most likable character
in "The Maneater" and is promptly killed. Nice. But thankfully
along with Raymond goes the "comic relief". Is this thing going
to turn it around, is there something tasty going to happen? These
questions are answered with a resounding "No."
Guys like us we are willing to give these movies a chance, right,
they might deliver, right, just around the corner, this thing
might have a redeeming scene, right? Hell fucking no, this thing
doesn't get there. Period.
The nature film is turned off, and a light from behind the movie
screen reveals a hanging man to the audience. The theater patrons
all flee from their seats screaming, much as the watchers of "The
Meateater" itself must have done. The police arrive and break
down the door to the "backstage," where they find the hanging
body of Crawford, who I think was the theater's previous owner,
and who didn't leave town after all as everybody thought…snore,
uh, oh, sorry, dozed off.
Mrs. Webster finds an old stuttering guy mooning about in the
theater, mourning his brother Ben, who long ago was burned alive
in the theater. Ben was a projectionist and one night the nitrate
film caught fire, burning him alive. No points for guessing that
Ben is the old man who's been watching films by himself. Now if
you are jumping ahead and saying "wait a minute Prof. Tread I
bet Ben is going to be the killer" well whoop de fucking doo,
you done figured it out.
Anyway, the Websters show the same nature film again a few nights
later to another packed house, of course, because people love
to watch nature films, and this shows a couple of rhinos fucking
which is fucking entertainment, fuckers. Ben strangles a long-haired
bespectacled teen dude, just because, and meanwhile Jeannie, who
is working the theater concession stand with her mom, throws a
babyish temper tantrum and runs off because the women at the stand
needs a straw or something.
The most disgusting portion of the film arrives as we are forced
to watch as weiners go 'round and 'round on a carousel at the
concession stand. Count how many product placements you can see
for meat companies, there is a shot, which will be etched in my
nightmares for years, of the Websters driving along screeching
"I Wish I Were An Oscar Meyer Wiener." It has no purpose
whatsoever except to inflict pain on the viewer. This thing had
to have been funded with a grant from the National Lips and Assholes
Anyhoo, our killer, Ben, intercepts Jeannie and drags her off
to an isolated room in the second story of the theater. Ben, who
is of course horribly disfigured by burns, protests his love to
Jeannie, because she looks just like Jean Harlow from the movie
Platinum Blonde that Ben is always watching.
After the show is over and the patrons are gone, he shows her
the long-haired kid's corpse as a "surprise," you know just to
impress her, kind of one of those kewl trick us guys do to girls
we are infatuated with. "Take a look at this, I strangled this
dude, pretty cool, want to make out?" Then he drags her down into
the seats and forces her to watch Platinum Blonde.
Jeannie's parents finally notice that she's missing and start
looking for her. In the most amazing sequence in the film and
it is not that amazing just plain stupid, Mrs. Webster calls the
police to help find Jeannie, then looks across the street and
notices that the light is running in the theater's projection
booth. She instantly realizes that Jeannie might still be in the
theater, and hangs up on the dispatcher to run off and find Jeannie
herself! She has run off without her key to the theater, so she
has to break the glass doors to get in. She then grabs Jeannie
(who is carrying on and screaming and being generally useless)
away from Ben and drags her up the aisle to the front of the theater.
Lo and behold, Ben's harmless brother is standing at the broken
door, so Jeannie and Mrs. Webster turn around and run back down
the aisle toward Ben!!! Somehow Ben misses them and he chases
them around for awhile. When they evade him, both Ben and his
brother climb to the top of the theater. I think, the fucking
thing is shot so horribly and of course the 2 brothers are the
same damn actor so really I don't know what the hell happened
except we are on the roof. Why? Uh, I don't know.
So Ben's brother pleads with him to stop the carnage and then
throws Ben off the top of the theater to his death on the concrete
below, splattering his brains everywhere. FINALLY. And then a
classic scene where Jeannie, screams NOOOOOOOO! as she dips her
hand in his brain goo, as if she had lived ol' Ben, she had
just been fooling all along. Goddamn, she had just been kidnapped
by the guy, held hostage, forced to watch an old movie, showed
a corpse, oh, I get it, of course, she had fallen in love with
The Websters sell the theater and Medford must go back to selling
shoes. The obsession, the dream, DEAD, finally. And somebody (who?
I don't know or care) is still watching movies alone at night
in the Crest Theater. The End! Or is it. "The Meateater" sequel.
Kill me now, great lord, kill me know. Okay, now I have done more
writing on a movie review than I ever wanted, why?, so you will
not watch this thing, I am trying to give you some slight understanding
of how stupid this movie is, but you cannot realize how slowly
and boringly all these stupid fucking things happen. The pacing
of this turd is that of a stroke victim on a walker.
I will not name most of the actors in this movie. They have their
lives to live, and have a right to leave this unfortunate episode
behind them. But for Peter Spitzer, let there be no mercy! This
man, who did not shrink from claiming the timeless classic Gas
Pump Girls as his lone credit in the Internet Movie Database,
chose to leave this movie off of his resume. And director-screenwriter
Derek Savage should and will burn in hell for this.
Fans of genre flicks, horror, schlock, exploitation, porn, bukkake,
whatever, if you see this box, do not pick it up, do not even
look at the box, the scenes are not even in the movie that are
on the box, anyway, do not say "Oh, Prof. Tread says this thing
is horrible, I have to see it." No you do not. You should not.
Don't. I mean it. Don't. I'm sorry. I had to do this. It is a
service to you guys. I mean it. (So Tread thinks HE hated this
movie? He didnt spend the 1st half of it with a crush on Medford's
son! - - Jumpin' Joe)
Discuss this baby.
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The Meateater Do
Dixie Dynamite POW!
Run Stranger Run
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Bat Pussy It had to
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Angel Midnight Fantasy
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Tim Ritter's $0 budget wonder
Nightmare Prof. Tread
still can't sleep.
Shanty Tramp She is sumpin'
If Footmen Tire You...?
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The Killing Of A Chinese
Bookie! Smart Guy.
The Pink Angels Gayness,
The Burning The 80's,
ahhh the 80's.
Q - The Winged Serpant! Larry
Fight For Your Life!
WARNING Racist content
Walking Tall Buford Pusser
in the Hizouse!
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Shriek of the Mutilated
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Dead and Buried. A Should-be
Hot Summer In Barefoot
Night Train To Terror
I Drink Your Blood Glug,
Vixen Russ Meyer and breasts!
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One of the best!
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Attack of the Beast Creatures
Let's Play Dead Incest
Island of Death Vacation
Evil Come, Evil Go! Bye,
Darktown Strutters Get
Poor Pretty Eddie Deep
Miami Golem Jewish Folklore
Tenement NYC Apartment
To Kill A Clown Alan Alda Vietnam Vet!
The Spook Who Sat Next To
The Door Booya!
I Woke Up Early The Day I
Died Mr. Ed Wood.
The Mutilation Man Andy
Copp goes arty on us!
The People Across The Lake
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Crowhaven Farm TV movie