Just as frightening, I am sure, was you and your buds dead-horsing
the fat girl from Advanced Math III, that is not the NIGHT TRAIN
TO TERROR I am reviewing here, sheesh!
I received this tape in a trade with Greywizard of The
Unknown Movies page with a fairly simple comment in an e-mail
from him "you need to review this on your site." Now
we hear that stuff quite often, but given the quality of Greywizard's
work, I anticipated the tape. After lingering in the U.S. Postal
Service's clutches due to the Great Anthrax Scare of 2001, it
has arrived. Damn, I bet Dave Mustaine is pissed. There will probably
never be a Great Megadeath Scare. Too bad, really, he is such
a nice guy, but I digress. Back to NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR.
The film is an anthology of 3 different tales. Now most of the
time, these type of things split down the middle on quality, from
CREEPSHOW and THE TWILIGHT ZONE MOVIE to TRILOGY OF TERROR and
CAMPFIRE TALES, most include one or two stories that show some
promise, while also including a clunker or two. NIGHT TRAIN TO
TERROR only has 3 stories to tell, so there isn't much room for
clunkers. Co-directors John Carr and Phillip Marshak decided to
take a couple of features that they had sitting on the shelf from
the early 80's re-edit and shorten them and add an unfinished
Carr piece for the anthology. All they need is a thread to tie
all three stories together. How about God and Satan on a train
bickering about souls and the afterlife and such. Can we throw
in a band that features break-dancing white guys in leg-warmers,
gals in head bands and an incredibly catchy tune repeated endlessly
that has a chorus that goes "Everybody's got something to
do, Everybody but you!?" I think we can make this work!
The first tale is John Carr's unfinished film that involves black
market body part harvesting, we have seen this done before in
Ross Hagen vehicle, THE WONDER WOMEN, but this time it is
taken to the extreme. Charles Moll AKA Richard Moll AKA Bull from
Night Court shows up as a twisted orderly in a asylum that
only Dr. Laura could love. John Phillip Law, who got his start
in the pictures back in 1950, and has notable appearances in THE
GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD, BARBARELLA, and THE
ALIENATOR, damn, 2 Ross Hagen references in one review, is
pretty good as the scenery chomping Harry Billings. This tale
really starts the festivities off with a bang, with tons of nudity
and Moll's Otto going for it Gein-style with nude cadavers strung
up and a creepiness that approaches "scrub me with a wire
brush" effectiveness. Obviously, Carr gives us the best parts
of his unreleased work and it delivers in its short form. A nice
touch at the finish will put a grin on your face and then it is
back to more discussion from God and Satan. Oh, by the way, God
is played by himself, while Satan is credited as Lu Cifer. I can't
find anything else the 2 have been in except The Bible and cameos
in CORKY ROMANO and HARRY POTTER respectively.
John Carr comes back again with a chunk of his 1983 film THE
DEATH WISH CLUB, which I literally just found as a tasty pre-record,
with a great box and haven't even watched yet. The story involves
some elements of Porn, Snuff and Kinkiness as we are introduced
to a "club" that gets their jollys from near-death experiences,
which quickly become death experiences for each member. After
a college gentleman becomes obsessed with a gal he sees in a porn
loop, he meets her, gets in her pants, then finds out she is already
spoken for. This man has pulled her from the hard life of popcorn
sales and gotten her into the porno business and does not take
too kindly to this new romance his play-pretty is involved with.
He decides to seek his revenge by involving the cheating couple
in his "Death Wish Club." Members of this club are offed
in fairly inventive ways, while their cohorts cheer, laugh and
celebrate. One member is a dead-on Hendrix look alike who talks
some hooga-booga mumbo jumbo in one scene and then ultimately
is fried by some computer gizmo, but not before smiling and delivering
"S'cuze me while I smoke!" Good stuff. Although not
as strong as the first entry, it does not disappoint and I actually
dig the premise of the story, THE DEATH WISH CLUB is on the burner
for viewing, we shall see if it holds up as a feature. By the
way, John Carr is still in the business and has gotten away from
directing. He has been employed throughout Hollywood as an editor
most of the 90s. You can see his work on MTV's The Andy Dick Show,
which is quite a follow up to editing THE CONFESSIONS OF A HANDYMAN
all the way back in 1975. Man, it is a strange world. It just
goes to show there are some journeymen out there who have worked
on some total shit but found a way to make a living.
Time for chatter from God and Satan, God offers Satan a place
at his side again. Satan nibbles...God does a "gotcha!"
"Dance with me, dance with me"
goes the band, the stereotypical black conductor fails to bug-out
his eyes Little Rascals-like and we are on to the final story
in our trilogy.
Marshak is back with another tale, this time it is another re-edit
of his film CATACLYSM, which had been released with a different
edit as SATAN'S SUPPER and THE NIGHTMARE NEVER ENDS. All you really
need to know is Cameron Mitchell is there, so you automatically
know it was a "wet set." Which means in BOF terms, you
could drink your ass off cuz Cameron was. Charles Moll, dammit
Dick Moll, ouch, Dick Moll, did I say that? Bull is back as a
Tony Robbins-type character who has denounced the existence of
God in his bestseller. Nietzsche is tossed around during great
scenes of Moll relaxing in luxury. But all must come to an end
when a feathered hair demon, who is the right hand man to Satan
shows up a some of the hippest hangouts in town, flashing his
pinky rings and puffy shirts and Cameron is on his trail because
some old Jewish guy has pictures of this same character plastered
all over his walls in various moments in history. Civil War, WWII,
Super Bowl 4, he is always hogging the camera. We are treated
to some Ray Harryhausen style stop-frame animation which was added
to imply that this character can change and shit. There is a undercurrent
of Nazi hunting going on which is basically covered much more
in CATACLYSM, but thankfully edited out of this shorter version.
It does leave Cameron's role somewhat truncated but we don't seem
to mind because it just means more of the dynamic demon-guy Olivier.
Okay, he ain't that dynamic but Moll is good and once the two
get involved plot-wise the thing picks up. Once again Marshak
is very effective in the creepy department and the downbeat ending
works. Marshak was responsible for the porn reworking of Bram
Stokers Dracula, DRACULA SUCKS, which featured venerable shit-lover
Jamie Gillis as our lead sucker, John Holmes also is featured
but Reggie Nalder pulls off the prune faced Van Helsing in high
style. Annette Haven, Serena, Seka and Kay Parker make this one
a pud-pullers dream flick and Marshak delivered it, dammit. That
alone makes NIGHT TRAIN a shoe-in for your time.
God and Satan are back to tie up loose ends, the band plays on
and the train disappears into the Heavens. That fucking conductor
never did bug out his eyes. I'm sleepy.
Discuss this baby.
Black Gestapo Black
Girl From Tobacco Row
Rape Squad Join
The Meateater Do
Dixie Dynamite POW!
Run Stranger Run
Horror House On Hwy 5
Behind Locked Doors It's
Nailgun Massacre Some
Bat Pussy It had to
Thunder Alley It is
Blood Freak A Classic
The Geek Bigfoot Porn
High School Ghosthustlers
Frankenstein Island You
SuperCock Not that kinda
The Alienator Feeling
Angel Midnight Fantasy
Vanity and the Beast
Tim Ritter's $0 budget wonder
Nightmare Prof. Tread
still can't sleep.
Shanty Tramp She is sumpin'
If Footmen Tire You...?
Viva' Knievel Evel of
The Killing Of A Chinese
Bookie! Smart Guy.
The Pink Angels Gayness,
The Burning The 80's,
ahhh the 80's.
Q - The Winged Serpant! Larry
Fight For Your Life!
WARNING Racist content
Walking Tall Buford Pusser
in the Hizouse!
Sleepaway Camp Internet
Born Losers Ya Loser!
Shriek of the Mutilated
Bro. George gets busy.
Bury Me An Angel
Gal Biker and more.
The Grim Reaper Reap
Abby One of William Girdler's
Deadbeat At Dawn A
Sonny Boy Carradine,
Great Hollywood Rape-Slaughter
Savage Weekend. Take
Dead and Buried. A Should-be
Hot Summer In Barefoot
Night Train To Terror
I Drink Your Blood Glug,
Vixen Russ Meyer and breasts!
Truck Stop Women Honnnk
Daddy's Deadly Darling!
Flesh Feast Maggots!
Soapy the Germ Fighter!
Why Doesn't Cathy Eat Breakfast?
Moonshine County Express!
The Night God Screamed!
White Dog Racists Pets!
Hunter's Blood City
Slickers get offed!
Devil Times Five Sean
Terror at the Red Wolf Inn
Headless Eyes See It
World's Greatest Sinner
One of the best!
The Baby! Goo Goo!
Summer Camp Nightmare Viva
Attack of the Beast Creatures
Let's Play Dead Incest
Island of Death Vacation
Evil Come, Evil Go! Bye,
Darktown Strutters Get
Poor Pretty Eddie Deep
Miami Golem Jewish Folklore
Tenement NYC Apartment
To Kill A Clown Alan Alda Vietnam Vet!
The Spook Who Sat Next To
The Door Booya!
I Woke Up Early The Day I
Died Mr. Ed Wood.
The Mutilation Man Andy
Copp goes arty on us!
The People Across The Lake
The Woman Hunt Load Up
The Devil At You Heels
These Are The Damned
Crowhaven Farm TV movie
|More demonic effects.
|I just liked this
|Is it cold in here
or is it just me?