Just as frightening, I am sure, was you and your buds dead-horsing the fat girl from Advanced Math III, that is not the NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR I am reviewing here, sheesh!

I received this tape in a trade with Greywizard of The Unknown Movies page with a fairly simple comment in an e-mail from him "you need to review this on your site." Now we hear that stuff quite often, but given the quality of Greywizard's work, I anticipated the tape. After lingering in the U.S. Postal Service's clutches due to the Great Anthrax Scare of 2001, it has arrived. Damn, I bet Dave Mustaine is pissed. There will probably never be a Great Megadeath Scare. Too bad, really, he is such a nice guy, but I digress. Back to NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR.

The film is an anthology of 3 different tales. Now most of the time, these type of things split down the middle on quality, from CREEPSHOW and THE TWILIGHT ZONE MOVIE to TRILOGY OF TERROR and CAMPFIRE TALES, most include one or two stories that show some promise, while also including a clunker or two. NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR only has 3 stories to tell, so there isn't much room for clunkers. Co-directors John Carr and Phillip Marshak decided to take a couple of features that they had sitting on the shelf from the early 80's re-edit and shorten them and add an unfinished Carr piece for the anthology. All they need is a thread to tie all three stories together. How about God and Satan on a train bickering about souls and the afterlife and such. Can we throw in a band that features break-dancing white guys in leg-warmers, gals in head bands and an incredibly catchy tune repeated endlessly that has a chorus that goes "Everybody's got something to do, Everybody but you!?" I think we can make this work!

The first tale is John Carr's unfinished film that involves black market body part harvesting, we have seen this done before in the incredible Ross Hagen vehicle, THE WONDER WOMEN, but this time it is taken to the extreme. Charles Moll AKA Richard Moll AKA Bull from Night Court shows up as a twisted orderly in a asylum that only Dr. Laura could love. John Phillip Law, who got his start in the pictures back in 1950, and has notable appearances in THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD, BARBARELLA, and THE ALIENATOR, damn, 2 Ross Hagen references in one review, is pretty good as the scenery chomping Harry Billings. This tale really starts the festivities off with a bang, with tons of nudity and Moll's Otto going for it Gein-style with nude cadavers strung up and a creepiness that approaches "scrub me with a wire brush" effectiveness. Obviously, Carr gives us the best parts of his unreleased work and it delivers in its short form. A nice touch at the finish will put a grin on your face and then it is back to more discussion from God and Satan. Oh, by the way, God is played by himself, while Satan is credited as Lu Cifer. I can't find anything else the 2 have been in except The Bible and cameos in CORKY ROMANO and HARRY POTTER respectively.

John Carr comes back again with a chunk of his 1983 film THE DEATH WISH CLUB, which I literally just found as a tasty pre-record, with a great box and haven't even watched yet. The story involves some elements of Porn, Snuff and Kinkiness as we are introduced to a "club" that gets their jollys from near-death experiences, which quickly become death experiences for each member. After a college gentleman becomes obsessed with a gal he sees in a porn loop, he meets her, gets in her pants, then finds out she is already spoken for. This man has pulled her from the hard life of popcorn sales and gotten her into the porno business and does not take too kindly to this new romance his play-pretty is involved with. He decides to seek his revenge by involving the cheating couple in his "Death Wish Club." Members of this club are offed in fairly inventive ways, while their cohorts cheer, laugh and celebrate. One member is a dead-on Hendrix look alike who talks some hooga-booga mumbo jumbo in one scene and then ultimately is fried by some computer gizmo, but not before smiling and delivering "S'cuze me while I smoke!" Good stuff. Although not as strong as the first entry, it does not disappoint and I actually dig the premise of the story, THE DEATH WISH CLUB is on the burner for viewing, we shall see if it holds up as a feature. By the way, John Carr is still in the business and has gotten away from directing. He has been employed throughout Hollywood as an editor most of the 90s. You can see his work on MTV's The Andy Dick Show, which is quite a follow up to editing THE CONFESSIONS OF A HANDYMAN all the way back in 1975. Man, it is a strange world. It just goes to show there are some journeymen out there who have worked on some total shit but found a way to make a living.

Time for chatter from God and Satan, God offers Satan a place at his side again. Satan nibbles...God does a "gotcha!" "Dance with me, dance with me" goes the band, the stereotypical black conductor fails to bug-out his eyes Little Rascals-like and we are on to the final story in our trilogy.

Marshak is back with another tale, this time it is another re-edit of his film CATACLYSM, which had been released with a different edit as SATAN'S SUPPER and THE NIGHTMARE NEVER ENDS. All you really need to know is Cameron Mitchell is there, so you automatically know it was a "wet set." Which means in BOF terms, you could drink your ass off cuz Cameron was. Charles Moll, dammit Dick Moll, ouch, Dick Moll, did I say that? Bull is back as a Tony Robbins-type character who has denounced the existence of God in his bestseller. Nietzsche is tossed around during great scenes of Moll relaxing in luxury. But all must come to an end when a feathered hair demon, who is the right hand man to Satan shows up a some of the hippest hangouts in town, flashing his pinky rings and puffy shirts and Cameron is on his trail because some old Jewish guy has pictures of this same character plastered all over his walls in various moments in history. Civil War, WWII, Super Bowl 4, he is always hogging the camera. We are treated to some Ray Harryhausen style stop-frame animation which was added to imply that this character can change and shit. There is a undercurrent of Nazi hunting going on which is basically covered much more in CATACLYSM, but thankfully edited out of this shorter version. It does leave Cameron's role somewhat truncated but we don't seem to mind because it just means more of the dynamic demon-guy Olivier. Okay, he ain't that dynamic but Moll is good and once the two get involved plot-wise the thing picks up. Once again Marshak is very effective in the creepy department and the downbeat ending works. Marshak was responsible for the porn reworking of Bram Stokers Dracula, DRACULA SUCKS, which featured venerable shit-lover Jamie Gillis as our lead sucker, John Holmes also is featured but Reggie Nalder pulls off the prune faced Van Helsing in high style. Annette Haven, Serena, Seka and Kay Parker make this one a pud-pullers dream flick and Marshak delivered it, dammit. That alone makes NIGHT TRAIN a shoe-in for your time.

God and Satan are back to tie up loose ends, the band plays on and the train disappears into the Heavens. That fucking conductor never did bug out his eyes. I'm sleepy.

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More demonic effects. Boo!

I just liked this gal!

Is it cold in here or is it just me?