Joe sporting a hangover...and wood no doubt!

Joe entered on cue and blurted his first line, Kathy stepped on it. They both laughed and so Day 2 began. As Joe got more comfortable with where to stand and the dialogue began to flow. I could sense he was starting to have a little fun. He got better, even, dare I say fucking good, adding a classic retort at one point that cracked Kathy up, not tomention me burying my head in a wheel well to keep from breaking up the scene. Joe was on. But he didn’t realize it. He still believed he could do better. As the takes and angles amassed Joe became his character whether he believed it or not. As Tim grew tire of moving from his knees to over the car to on the curb, I took the camera and shot Joe’s final bit of dialogue and the car Kathy's character ws driving, speeding away. Four pages had just bitten the dust and it was early afternoon. Joe and I had begun to now turn lines of his dialogue to catch phrases we’d ramble on with for the rest of the weekend “So Miss Witt, you know anything about this Al-Quada network or is that just another co-in-ci-dence?” So on and so forth. Dick Cockburn, still had done nothing but fetch Joe a cold Bud, he was like a rabid Shi-tzu, hungry, but only able to bit your ankle.. Back to Joe’s house. And back to some real work for me. Six pages. Much of which was dialogue tying all the sotry's loose ends up. I was feeling confident, well as confident as possible under the circumstances. But would it transfer to the camera? I sure as Hell didn’t know.

Joe, Director Tim Ritter and I strike a pose.

There are tons of books about the art and craft of acting…I’ve read none of them. How do you stay “in character?’ How do you repeat dialogue over and over again, the same way, same accent, same emotion? Shit, I don’t know. But I thought, whatever, I can be a loon, right? I ain’t that far removed from lunacy. I again go back to Tim and his calm demeanor. He was cool with letting me find where I was. Offering bits of potential dialogue and a positive groove was his thing. Everything else was up to the actors. Tim is running the camera in all the dialogue scenes, he has to think about capturing the performance, the edit, the background, etc, etc. Needy actors are at a loss on a low budget film where the director is also running audio and camera. A director doesn’t have time always to put an actor into his or her “special place.” So you just grab your proverbial balls and move forward or stand quivering in your fancy drawers I guess. Of course, when you are trying to help light, clean Joe’s basement for the scene, remember lines and look good, you got other things to worry about than acting. And that is how it went down. There was no sitting around in a quiet spot preparing. Do that shit before you get on set. But the strange thing is I never felt stressed, it was just flat out fun. Tim, Kathy and I ran through the action, looking at how Kathy might fall, where she might fall, our reactions and all the other basic things you have to be aware of when doing this sort of stuff. Kathy has been in much of Tim’s movie output. She is beyond what you would call a sooper trooper. She did have a strange obsession with wanting to hurt me after witnessing me sling round Jasi, but Tim squelched her opportunity by allowing my character a gun the size of small baby. Kathy’s character, Miss Angela Witt, might be a bad girl, but she wasn’t stupid. But I don't think Kathy was scared of my gun. She repeatedly kept chocking me with my own necktie. No one touches the tie...

Joe and I sexing it up.

Oh yeah, when we got back to Joe’s a friend of ours who helped us shoot the featurette for ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES, Rick Marshall showed up to lend a hand and hang out. He brought along his pal, a fellow named Ron, Ron knew Tim’s movies, they chatted up each other fan boy style. Matt, Mr. Gorilla-Man, a regular 5the Beatle also showed up and Heather was there, as well. I was getting a little antsy about my wealth of dialogue, of course the frickin’ ham I am wanted tons of dialogue when I was initially reading the script, but when it came down to crunch time I found myself wondering whether I could get it all out. As everyone sat around swigging buds, Joe came up with a brilliant addition to my character’s persona. A dream sequence, which we could potentially add. In typical Joe style, he was fucking spot-on. I’m gonna shoot it this week. Anyway, he and I riffed away on it as everyone else seemed to not get it or just ignored us. Which is fairly typical of how he, Bro. George and I operate. No one gives a shit about what we think is hilarious. Part of the strange BOF symbiosis I guess. I got my suit on, Kathy donned her skirt and he tromped down into Joe’s basement for the climatic scene in the movie.

Stalking in style, just don't touch the tie!

Now I cant’ share much about this scene, it would give to much away. What I can tell you is, it was pretty wacky. I kept pushing it all further with each take, borderline ruining it, I was thinking to myself. Not only did I feel I might have been overacting, I was more than likely doing it badly. Tim, though, was ever the calm optimist, “naw, naw, it’s all 10-4!” Of course, he did the worse thing he could do in his situation, laugh at my tirades. That just pushed me more and like some sort of meth(od) fueled redneck maniac I let it all fly for my final soliloquy Breaking a good sweat, eyes blazing, spittle flying and Kathy chuckling behind Tim as I cut loose. You have to see it to know if it was any good. That’s the other thing about acting. My brain had checked out. I had no idea where the words were streaming from, when I stopped, I took a swig of beer looked round and was instantly tranformed back to standing around in Joe's basement, my character put back into his cozy. I watched Kathy deliver her closing lines and we were done…it was a good three hours later… time does fly when you are having fun. We grabbed the digital cameras, shot some stills, Joe came down in a rather celebratory mode (read: drunk) and we took a deep breath. The worst was over. The major dialogue scenes had been put to bed. We still had a night time, in the car shoot and I had been pestering Tim about adding some sort of brief scene to involve Dick Cockburn since he had made the trip and Rick and his friend Ron were probably bored shitless I thought to myself.

I mentioned to Tim that we had a friend who owned his own cult video store and that he might be up for letting us shoot something there. Tim mentioned that he had initially envisioned a final scene involving a video store. So we went back and forth on what could go down in the scene. We went upstairs, and asked Joe to call Jeffrey Scott Holland, the proprietor of Voodoo Video. No dice, no phone yet. So we piled into to two cars and away we went toward the video store. I don’t mind telling you, at this point Joe had been entertaining the guests upstairs, everyone was feeling good. Tim, Kathy, Heather and I had not been drinking. The rest of the crew were "partying" but none were more drunk than Joe. So he opted to be the guy doing all the talking. He think she talks more gooder when he's drunk. I do to. Nobody else does though.

Another sylish look at me doing my thang.

Voodoo Video is in a cool underground location, in a basement under some other retail stores. Joe stumbled down the steps while we all waited upstairs. I didn’t hear much of the exchange but I heard, “cool, I’ll go get everyone.” He didn’t need to, we were coming down the steps as he turned around to come up.

We did the obligatory handshakes. I set up lights, Joe and Heather took off to Pazzo’s Pizza for a beer and some food. Joe needed a beer and some food. Tim and I discussed how to get all the boys into a scene. Dick Cockburn, Ron, Jeffrey while Rick was going to actually shoot it. It was decided I would be in the scene as well. We sort of set the tone threw out some lines and took off. Ron and Dick ran with it and Jeffrey joined in. I never uttered a sentence. Instead just trying to look cool which was repeated broken up by Ron and Dick’s dialogue and their laughing. The first take. Dick was so pleased with himself he actually left the frame, Jeffrey said his line and Dick ran back in to comment on Jeffrey’s line oblivious to the fact that Tim had not yelled “cut” yet. Excitable boy, they all say. Dick and Ron, they wre good together, like Mutt and Jeff in Babylon 5 shirts. We muddled through though and it turned out to be a funny little bit of video. I asked Tim if he would shoot a quick BOF Voodoo Video commercial spot and Jeffrey and I ad-libbed a little spot…we said our goodbyes. And the rest of us minus Ron and Rick, who had a 2-hour drive ahead of them, scurried for pizza at Pazzo’s. We talked about the last scene of the night over a pie and a couple beers, Joe was getting real near pass out time. We continued our “So Miss Witt, you know anything about this lunar eclipse or is that just a co-in-ci-dence?” We loaded up the truck and car and back we went. One final set-up. Tim’s car. Kathy and I, a scene which would be a dream sequence for Kathy, no dialogue, the goal; make it seem brutal and strange, no dream, a nightmare.

Jeffrey Scott Holland, Voodoo Video and me.

Easy set-up, an extension cord and a small desk light in the car. Of course, most all of this was going to depend on how Tim shot the whole thing. Could we convey a nightmarish scene in Joe’s driveway at 9 p.m. with a desk light and two tired and full of pizza actors. Let’s just say I choked Kathy with all I had for about 15 minutes. Tim shot it…we looked back through the camera's playback…it looked pretty remarkable. Credit again...Director Tim Ritter.

We loaded up, Joe was passed out, Dick decided to sleep on Joe’s other couch and Kathy, Tim and I all headed for the heels. Heather had left from Pazzo's, sick I’m sure for a while of movie making. Joe and Dick were resting on two good performances. Kathy and I were readying for Day 3, an extended amount of running through the forests of Irvine, Kentucky. Her pal, poison sumac would be there and Mother Nature’s incontinence was showing no signs of letting up. On the bright side. Tim’s mom would be cooking us lunch. You think Mrs. Speilberg didthat for Roy Schnieder?

Day 3 started with all the fuckedupedness it could, it was pouring rain, I jumped in my ’84 Volvo wagon to head to Tim’s for the drive to Irvine. A half-mile in, my windshield wipers stopped working. I drove another 15 minutes in a blinding rain storm looking out the side window and stopping at underpasses to clear the windshield, as I approached Tim’s street, it stopped raining… go galldang figure.

Director Tim Ritter and his fans at the Dollar General, Irvine, Kentucky.

There was Tim’s sister, Wendy, she was going to drive us. I had forgot my boots in my rush to get drenched I fucking guess so we had to drive back in the other direction first to get my combat boots. I had been wearing wingtips from the start but they, I knew were not built for running through the woods. “Director Tim Ritter,” I said, “you’re gonna have to cut around my feet.” And off we went. Tim in I in the back seat, talking about the past 2 days. Bad movies, bad movie business and other useless stuff. About 15 minutes in I realized, “I forgot my fricking earrings!” My character (shit, me I mean) had been wearing a pair of silver hoops throughout the shoot. I said, "surely we can hit a store on the way and I’ll buy a pair." I thought Irvine, Kentucky might have entered the late 80s by now.

When we got to the Irvine Dollar General, the consumer's place to be in Irvine, it was raining like pouring piss from a boot. We all four went in. I searched through what might possibly be the worse batch of crappy jewelry I’ve ever seen. I found a card with 4 pairs of multicolored plastic hoops along with 4 pair of multicolored plastic studs. The hoops were not silver, “silver spray paint,” I chortled. We all grabbed various cheap items, Tim, a case of $3 bottled water, Kathy some $3 placemats, and me something called Dr. Topper, a very blatant Dr. PepperTM rip-off. My total for spray paint, earrings and a Dr. Topper $1.43. We were still under budget…on the way out Tim saw a display of fans outside. I went for my camera “Tim Ritter and his fans.” Tim returned the favor, “Prof. Tread and his fans.” We were off.

Obviously not in a fucking around mood. I wasn't acting.

Tim’s parents ere waiting for us, when we arrived, his mother, quickly begin putting food out for us. She had gone as far as preparing corn on the cob and salad for me since Tim had told her I didn’t eat meat. I ran outside spray paint my earrings, washed my hands and sat down to eat. I didn’t eat much, instead Tim’s father and I discussed conservative talk radio, independent moviemakers and the potential of somehow seeing an independent feature network on satellite or cable. Geez, I can talk a lot, I remember thinking to myself, as everyone else was finished and I was still eating. I finally finished, threw on my clothes, we grabbed a couple of Tim’s mom’s umbrellas and off the four us headed for the woods. The deeper we got into the woods where we were going to begin the shoot, the harder it rained. We stood patiently laughing at each other, I was about 30 feet away. With a tiny red umbrella, dressed as my character. Waiting for the clouds to cease with the rain gimmick. It finally did. And it got stickier, humidity-wise, than your Friday night panties.

The scene in the woods was to match the stuff Tim and Kathy had previously shot alone a week or so prior. Basically, I’m chasing her, taunting her and she gets to hit me with a brick and ultimately elude me. Tim had a “caught in the woods’ sort of thing in his mind, so it meant a fast paced bit of chasing. Kathy and I began running, me taunting, sometimes walking and dropping bizarro one-liners between grunts and animal sounds. I have to be honest, Kathy had it much worse than I did, already suffering with the itching and swelling of the poison sumac, she had on a skirt and boots running though the mud, trying to avoid the devil weed. All was going well until Kathy caught a rock or root or something while I was in pursuit, she toppled in sort of a face plant fashion. Tim missed the whole thing only capturing my facial expression as his wife,10 feet in front of me, bit dirt. We got her up, she cleaned off and off we went down another trail. See...sooper trooper. Director Tim Ritter's wife...Actress Kathleen Ritter. As I said, Kathy was itching (this time not from the sumac) to hit me, she finally got to. I took a brick shot to the head from her as I wandered too close to her kneeling behind a rock. Pretty good shot, I might add. I toppled to the mud, stood back up, dropped a one-liner and sped back to her trail. Basically we played out this cat and mouse for a couple hours in the woods. It will probably be cut together in a 1-minute sequence, but Tim covered the crap out of it. We finally ended up back on semi-dry land, of course the sun was now out full force and we wrapped with a last run which will be cut into the door kicking in at Joe’s house.

Laybea Minor (Heather) and Director Tim Ritter in Joe's kitchen.

I went back into Tim’s parents home, stripped off my suit, pulled out my spray painted silver hoops, scrubbed my sumaced hands, downed a bottle of water and it felt pretty damned good. Three and a half days after starting we had basically enough footage to cut together. Tim seemed pretty happy as well. We made it through a stripped down, no-frills production, virtually unscathed short of Kathy’s itchy knees, my tazered bicep, her twisted ankle, my cellular phone lump on the forehead, jasi's wingtipped foot, Joe’s hangover and the stretched cotton of Heather’s wifebeater.

I’m shooting that dream sequence at home, just a batch of surreal footage that we can splice into some of my strange antics. Tim plans on cutting everything quickly. We vowed to do more, and soon. We will.

Twisted Illusions 2 will be released through Sub Rosa Studios on DVD, the segment is called Dexter Deadbeat, and no, that is not my character’s name.

If any of this stuff sounds like fun, you don’t expect any money, can get to Lexington and have an interest in acting, writing or working on a low budget project that will definitely see the light of day, drop me an email at tread@brainsonfilm. Be sure and check out www.timritter.com you can buy Tim’s book THE HAMMER WILL FALL at Amazon.com and his films at www.b-movie.com

NO MORE GO BACK!