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ITEM! WE DONE HIT 10K AND DONE PASSED IT! We were all
excited about getting 10,000 hits on our site and as I write this
we're almost to 17K. (!!!!!) Damn, you guys rule. Official
statement to each and every one of our visitors: As thanks we
are planning to fellate all of you men (that's George
and Tread's job, they don't know it yet so buy them a drink
when you demand relief) and perform the ancient art of licky
licky on tee tee on all you gals (that's my job-wash up ladies,
and try to trim that shit, and don't expect anything other than
mediocrity , 'cause that's my gig.) WEBMASTER'S NOTE: I
call bullshit on that, me lika licka tee tee too. Excelsior! Ed.
To all of you thousands(again: huh?? Thousands!!!!!!!!!) of
people who have visited our site so far, we are darn grateful
and overwhelmed. If just a portion of you 16K plus actually enjoy
what we're doing, we are that much happier. And for all the cynicism
and sarcasm we throw around willy nilly like empties at a Hooters,
no no no, none of that here. 16 thousand fucking people. Wow.
That's pretty goddamn cool. Thanks ya lame queers..
ITEM! GENRENET AND LINK PAGE PLUGS! I just visited the
LAST DRIVE IN ON THE LEFT page which is a GenreNet site jus'
like us (see the hook-ups
page) and it's a hoot. A seldom updated hoot but a hoot. Especially
the audio files, which we need to learn how to do. WEBMASTER'S
NOTE: Fuck you again. Ed. Good stuff. Also good if not great(it's
great) is the Trash
Compactor site which has turned into a 1 stop source for cult/trash/psychotronic/exploitation/b-movie/labels/blah/and
blah/ film web surfing. Fantastic work by the Trash Compacter
Guy. Someone should blow him.(Tread?? Yoo hoo Tread.....come
blow the Trash Compactor guy....Don't give me that look mister....Blow
him!.) The Al
Adamson/Regina Carrol site guy is doing great shit, as is
the William
Girdler site gal. When in Louisville visit Wild
and Wooly, the video store of your dreams. When in Atlanta
visit the Starlight
Drive In, the Drive in theater of your dreams. 6 screens.
Year round. You creeps in Atlanta are so lucky, do not take your
local ozoner for granted. If you are reading this in KY try out
the ozoner in Winchester KY or in Paris KY. See a movie the way
god intended, with a beer
buzz under the stars. WRESTLECRAP.COM is gone and that makes me
very very sad. Dammit, why do the good die young? Godspeed Wrestlecrap.
If you want videos over the web visit our fellow Lexington losers
at Witching
Hour Video, or check out Video
Junkie, OR go to my personal favorite for price and selection
and speed of shipping: Video
Screams. I would give a plug to the official Ross
Hagen page but it aint been updated in what seems like years.
Ross could grow old waiting for an update. (That's a joke cause
Ross IS old. Get it? ITS FUNNY!!!! ) And speaking of growing
old, does Joe
Bob Briggs do ANYTHING on his site? Come back Joe Bob we need
you now more than ever! WEBMASTER'S NOTE: Visit the
Hook-Ups for all the
links above and more!
ITEM! BULLETHOLES ARE COOL! I just saw this short film
on Cinemax that had some Dallas hipster dipshit take a bullet
(.38 special hollow point) in his shoulder. No kidding.
Point blank. BOOM! And then AHHHHH! And then FUUUUCCCK IT HURTS!!!!
GGGGOOOOODDDDDAAAAMNNNN!!!!!!! And so on with the bleeding and
the pain and the ow! ow! ow! And he paid for it in cash. (I've
been to Dallas and a hipster white boy can easily get that bullet
hole for free) WHY? Cause it
LOOKED COOL. And the guy who shot him apparently does it all
the time. And gets paid for it. WHY? Cause tattooing and piercing
and scarring and getting metal balls implanted in your head and
splitting your penis just ain't cool enough no mo'.
You gotta get a cap popped in yo' ass, or shoulder, wherever
the scar can easily be shown off in the summer just below your
social distortion skeleton and/or misfits skull tatoo. That awful
hideous cork in the earlobe thing? That's L7 man, real Melvin.
So 1998. You wanna stand out now? You gotta take a bullet kids.
But you know, before you get that huge Hank Rollins style back
ink going you should start with a small tat right? In that spirit
we here at Brains On Film will help you work your way towards
getting shot. We will not shoot you, but we'll make you fashionable
for a reasonable price. Take a look at our services!
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OUR
BILL OF FARE
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Call
us!! We can make you cool for cheap!!
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| Hit
you on the head with a brick! |
50.00 |
| Punch
you right on the nose while insulting your ethnic heritage! |
40.00 |
| Flatten
your tires, and/or sugar in the gas tank! |
30.00 |
| Tittie
Twister, for 10 minutes! |
20.00
(per tittie) |
| Wear
stylish cowboy boots and stomp on your little toe! |
15.00
(per
toe)
|
| Feed
your pet canned food so he/she shits all over your house! |
10.00
(per pet) |
| Make
you watch porno until you get a hard-on and smack your erection
as hard as we can with a WhiffleTM ball bat!* |
5.00
*Balls Extra |
| Call
your parents and tell them you're gay and you hate them, oh,
and you do smack! |
2.00 |
|
Show
up at your house unannounced, eat
all your food, drink all your liquor, clog up your toilet
and call you a homo!
|
1.00
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ITEM! YOU AINT EVEN GONNA BELIEVE THIS..... Longtime Brains
On Film pal Kim Hayden passed this along. Kim works at the
U of K Hospital with lotsa doctors and nurses. A nurse she knows
just told her that she WALKED IN ON A MALE PATIENT GETTING A HANDJOB
FROM HIS DAUGHTER, AGAIN, HIS DAUGHTER............ AND, and, and,
get this, THE DAUGHTER DID NOT STOP, JUST KEPT WHACKING HER FATHER
OFF AND EXPLAINED THAT "It helps daddy sleep". If that
ain't enough, another nurse related the story of the night she walked
in on A MOTHER MASTURBATING HER 13 YEAR OLD SON BECAUSE IT WAS "Therapeutic".
EEGAH!! Now that's 2 incest jackoff stories in one night. The law
of averages decrees that, although it may be uncommon, family members
are whacking off sick relatives left and right all over the world.
And I thought I was bringing a little much needed ugliness into
the world by reviewing Tanya's
Island. Yeesh. (now is that an anecdote or what???)
Talk to you soon, Bob Goblin will be found and dealt with.......JOE
Email the Jumpin' One!
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