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I have to know some things...you can't just keep me in the
dark.
Some things I wish someone had bothered to tell Ol' Prof. Tread
about. There are a few semi-important things I wish I had known
before shooting my mouth off or I could have been better prepared
at making a dick out of myself if I would have just known a few
of these things.
Okay, how come nobody bothered to clue me in that the drummer
from Limp Bizkit is retarded. It would have been nice to know.
I was watching the new smash hit video for the song "My Way"
which by the fucking way doesn't sound one damn bit like the Frank
Sinatra tune that Elvis covered, yeah, I know fartcatcher, that
it is not the SAME song, that's a fucking joke, moron.
Anyhoo, I am watching the tour d'force that is
Fred Durst as he tries to look like he is not 45 and that
his skin is not soda cracker white, when for a fleeting second
it showed another member of the band besides the gay guy who likes
to dress funny and WHAM, it hit me, "that drummer is retarded,"
he's got the Down's Syndrome. No shit, "ain't that some shit,"
I say to myself. "
All my so-called friends and Bro. George and Jumpin' Joe have
been letting me rag on what is potentially the biggest turd the
kids have ever worshipped in the whole history of music, and all
the while the Bizkits were hiring the handicapped." What
a putz" I said to myself. Fred
Durst and the gay dude and that bass dude and the old white
scratcher dude are all goddamned saints, I tell you. They hang
with a retarded dude and let him drum in their cool crossover
metal/rap band. Hell, they even took him to Hugh Hefner's Playboy
Mansion for the record release party and stuff because I saw a
minute of it on the Mtelevision, although I don't remember them
ever showing anybody but Fred
Durst and his assortment of Male Pattern Balding CoversTM
or brims or lids or whatever you straight-up, fly-ass wiggas call
them. Oh, I'm wrong they showed the gay guy once with that other
gay dude in that one band that sounds like "Der Limp B".
Anyhoo, they really are good guys cuz they let that retarded
guy in the band. I hope we don't later find out that one of the
other guys made the drummer retarded in a freak accident and then
felt like he owed him something and let him drum in "The
Bizkit" to try and get right with Jesus or something. Well
I don't want to go there, that is pure speculation on the Prof.'s
part, all I know is I am coming around to LB because they have
the retarded drummer, because that shows they are hardcore, because
I couldn't do it, because retarded people get on my fucking nerves.
They do. Limp Bizkit is hardcore and meets all requirements for
the Americans With Disabilities Act.
Oh there's more in the "hey assholes, why didn't you tell
ME" dept. Joan Rivers....how come no one bothered to tell
me about Joan Rivers?...you know what the hell I'm talking about,
you could've let me in on it. You guys let me sit there screaming
at TV, you let me print those shirts, you let me go on and on
and not one of you said "hey Tread, Joan Rivers is dead dude,
lay off." How in the hell was I supposed to know she is dead.
Her damned daughter Melissa (if that is here real name) is on
E! with this...I don't know...eh, thing, I guess and I thought
it was Joan. But now I find out it is some damn scientific miracle
that the scientists at E! have developed that allowed them to
save the body of Joan Rivers and replace the head with one of
those beautiful Afghan dogs, you know the ones that have the long
flowing blond ears that hang down and they are so gorgeous when
they are prancing around the show ring at Westminster ( I saw
that the time it pre-empted RAW on USA) and you think "man,
that sure is a sexy dog, kinda reminds me of Cheryl Tiegs, I sure
would like cover the old baloney pony with gravy and let her....oops"
Anyhoo, they did it, they replaced the head of Joan Rivers with
the Afghan head and all the time I thought "well, look at
Joan, she has done went and had her face surgically removed, thrown
in the KenmoreTM dryer, set to tumble and shrunk and stretched
back over her pointy assed skull so she'll look like a very young,
alien humanoid, for her damn show." I mean that show they
do where her and Melissa (I doubt that is her real name) sit there
and watch people at awards shows walk in on the Red CarpetTM,
they add a couple of major league poofters, one of which is the
best damn Truman Capote impersonator I have ever seen and they
critique, summarize and all together over analyze the damn clothes
these stars are wearing, the protrusion of the nipples, the "does
this purse match my earrings", the fucking spectacle of it
all. This show is a bizarre mix of Hollywood Squares, without
the TicTacToe angle, Gay Porno and a Learning Channel Knee Surgery
Procedure.
You get the point. So Melissa (sure) and what I thought was Joan
Rivers banter on about textures and fit and these damn guys froth
at the mouth wishing they could hump Antionio Banderas in his
Prada while all gussied up in J-Lo's Versace. Sick, Sick stuff
and guys take a tip from the Prof. butch it up just slightly,
even women are not THAT damn girly.
So I have been watching the smut thinking "damn, Joan Rivers
was one of the best damn comediennes in the biz back when she
was blowing Carson and now look at this tripe, no wonder her hubby
offed himself, his wife and daughter are the 2 most annoying folks
in the entertainment business, not counting that guy who played
Medford in "Meateater", I'd shoot myself too."
But man do I have egg on my face, I love science and all but damn
the scientists at E! have created a Scary Jewish Princess Afghan
Hellhound that barks out fashion dos and don'ts. I am getting
very scared. I just wish I would have known, I could have saved
a ton of money. If anyone is interested in a box of t-shirts that
say "Joan Rivers is A Scary Fucking Plastic Surgery Nightmare
Who Used to Be Funny When She Was Blowing Johnny Carson and Now
Just Acts As If Clothes Are Fucking Important" just let me
know...they aren't going anywhere. Joan Rivers is Dead, damn.
And I won't take up much more of your time since you didn't let
me know that I am supposed to now hate all Asians. Shit how could
I have known that? The US has subs attacking High School Student
Fisherman (did anybody take fishing in school, I must have been
absent the day we went to the bait shop?) and even Kamikazing
Chinese Airplanes. I did not know we were at war with Asia. Asia
is a whole damn continent or something, have we lost our frickin'
minds? How about small electronics and automobiles, what the hell
are we doing. Not to mention they have those tiny hands and stuff
when placed next a medium sized penis make it look huge. Asia
vs. USA, we are doomed, doomed I tell you.
Listen to me, you guys have to keep me informed of shit. How
am I supposed to know if no one bothers to tell me, email, call
or just run me down in the street but I need the info. I can't
hate Asians unless I know before hand, and Joan Rivers dead? Where
is the A&E Biography? And I have dragged Led Bizizkit through
the mud only to find out that they hired Corky from "Life
Goes On" to drum, I feel sick.
Clue Me In
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