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I have to know some things...you can't just keep me in the dark.

Some things I wish someone had bothered to tell Ol' Prof. Tread about. There are a few semi-important things I wish I had known before shooting my mouth off or I could have been better prepared at making a dick out of myself if I would have just known a few of these things.

Okay, how come nobody bothered to clue me in that the drummer from Limp Bizkit is retarded. It would have been nice to know. I was watching the new smash hit video for the song "My Way" which by the fucking way doesn't sound one damn bit like the Frank Sinatra tune that Elvis covered, yeah, I know fartcatcher, that it is not the SAME song, that's a fucking joke, moron.

Anyhoo, I am watching the tour d'force that is Fred Durst as he tries to look like he is not 45 and that his skin is not soda cracker white, when for a fleeting second it showed another member of the band besides the gay guy who likes to dress funny and WHAM, it hit me, "that drummer is retarded," he's got the Down's Syndrome. No shit, "ain't that some shit," I say to myself. "

All my so-called friends and Bro. George and Jumpin' Joe have been letting me rag on what is potentially the biggest turd the kids have ever worshipped in the whole history of music, and all the while the Bizkits were hiring the handicapped." What a putz" I said to myself. Fred Durst and the gay dude and that bass dude and the old white scratcher dude are all goddamned saints, I tell you. They hang with a retarded dude and let him drum in their cool crossover metal/rap band. Hell, they even took him to Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion for the record release party and stuff because I saw a minute of it on the Mtelevision, although I don't remember them ever showing anybody but Fred Durst and his assortment of Male Pattern Balding CoversTM or brims or lids or whatever you straight-up, fly-ass wiggas call them. Oh, I'm wrong they showed the gay guy once with that other gay dude in that one band that sounds like "Der Limp B".

Anyhoo, they really are good guys cuz they let that retarded guy in the band. I hope we don't later find out that one of the other guys made the drummer retarded in a freak accident and then felt like he owed him something and let him drum in "The Bizkit" to try and get right with Jesus or something. Well I don't want to go there, that is pure speculation on the Prof.'s part, all I know is I am coming around to LB because they have the retarded drummer, because that shows they are hardcore, because I couldn't do it, because retarded people get on my fucking nerves. They do. Limp Bizkit is hardcore and meets all requirements for the Americans With Disabilities Act.

Oh there's more in the "hey assholes, why didn't you tell ME" dept. Joan Rivers....how come no one bothered to tell me about Joan Rivers?...you know what the hell I'm talking about, you could've let me in on it. You guys let me sit there screaming at TV, you let me print those shirts, you let me go on and on and not one of you said "hey Tread, Joan Rivers is dead dude, lay off." How in the hell was I supposed to know she is dead. Her damned daughter Melissa (if that is here real name) is on E! with this...I don't know...eh, thing, I guess and I thought it was Joan. But now I find out it is some damn scientific miracle that the scientists at E! have developed that allowed them to save the body of Joan Rivers and replace the head with one of those beautiful Afghan dogs, you know the ones that have the long flowing blond ears that hang down and they are so gorgeous when they are prancing around the show ring at Westminster ( I saw that the time it pre-empted RAW on USA) and you think "man, that sure is a sexy dog, kinda reminds me of Cheryl Tiegs, I sure would like cover the old baloney pony with gravy and let her....oops"

Anyhoo, they did it, they replaced the head of Joan Rivers with the Afghan head and all the time I thought "well, look at Joan, she has done went and had her face surgically removed, thrown in the KenmoreTM dryer, set to tumble and shrunk and stretched back over her pointy assed skull so she'll look like a very young, alien humanoid, for her damn show." I mean that show they do where her and Melissa (I doubt that is her real name) sit there and watch people at awards shows walk in on the Red CarpetTM, they add a couple of major league poofters, one of which is the best damn Truman Capote impersonator I have ever seen and they critique, summarize and all together over analyze the damn clothes these stars are wearing, the protrusion of the nipples, the "does this purse match my earrings", the fucking spectacle of it all. This show is a bizarre mix of Hollywood Squares, without the TicTacToe angle, Gay Porno and a Learning Channel Knee Surgery Procedure.

You get the point. So Melissa (sure) and what I thought was Joan Rivers banter on about textures and fit and these damn guys froth at the mouth wishing they could hump Antionio Banderas in his Prada while all gussied up in J-Lo's Versace. Sick, Sick stuff and guys take a tip from the Prof. butch it up just slightly, even women are not THAT damn girly.

So I have been watching the smut thinking "damn, Joan Rivers was one of the best damn comediennes in the biz back when she was blowing Carson and now look at this tripe, no wonder her hubby offed himself, his wife and daughter are the 2 most annoying folks in the entertainment business, not counting that guy who played Medford in "Meateater", I'd shoot myself too." But man do I have egg on my face, I love science and all but damn the scientists at E! have created a Scary Jewish Princess Afghan Hellhound that barks out fashion dos and don'ts. I am getting very scared. I just wish I would have known, I could have saved a ton of money. If anyone is interested in a box of t-shirts that say "Joan Rivers is A Scary Fucking Plastic Surgery Nightmare Who Used to Be Funny When She Was Blowing Johnny Carson and Now Just Acts As If Clothes Are Fucking Important" just let me know...they aren't going anywhere. Joan Rivers is Dead, damn.

And I won't take up much more of your time since you didn't let me know that I am supposed to now hate all Asians. Shit how could I have known that? The US has subs attacking High School Student Fisherman (did anybody take fishing in school, I must have been absent the day we went to the bait shop?) and even Kamikazing Chinese Airplanes. I did not know we were at war with Asia. Asia is a whole damn continent or something, have we lost our frickin' minds? How about small electronics and automobiles, what the hell are we doing. Not to mention they have those tiny hands and stuff when placed next a medium sized penis make it look huge. Asia vs. USA, we are doomed, doomed I tell you.

Listen to me, you guys have to keep me informed of shit. How am I supposed to know if no one bothers to tell me, email, call or just run me down in the street but I need the info. I can't hate Asians unless I know before hand, and Joan Rivers dead? Where is the A&E Biography? And I have dragged Led Bizizkit through the mud only to find out that they hired Corky from "Life Goes On" to drum, I feel sick.

Clue Me In

He said it...shoot him!

Doin' it all for the Nookie...


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