| Craptacular Shopping and More, All Under One
Roof!
With all my favorite dot coms falling by the wayside the last
few weeks, you know the ones that made sure we never had to leave
our house to shop, Levis.com, Cockrings.org, ColostomysRUs.com,
I had to head out "The Mall." Every medium to large
town has a few of these places, right. We have the fortunate luck
to have a mall that the jeeters, wiggas, niggas, crackers and
tardos will drive 2 or 3 days to grace the manicured parking lot
and consume Food CourtTM, grubbables for. The Fayette Mall, bow
your head in reverence.
Now the Fayette Mall ain't your run of the mill mall, no sir
fuckin' ree bob. It is the Be-All-End-Mall, The Big Mallhuna,
the Stone Cold Steve Mallstin of all malls around here...it has
basically turned our other 2 malls into Geriatric Track Meets,
where the ancient go to walk, skip, jog and fart around the 2.26
miles of emptied Karmel Korn tins and soon-to-be repoed air-brushed
"Bobby & Me" license plates. They are done...make
way for the roller-rink and indoor flea market.
If the fuckin' Fayette Mall ain't got it, do you really fuckin'
need it? 9 galddanged shoe stores, 3 cellular phone kiosks? Damn,
I know all you future hip hop "stars" need your new
'didas and jor-tons not to mention the cellaphones for you and
you baby's momma but that might be overkill. On one end you got
The Gap, J Crew, Guess, Gadzooks, Rave, Eddie Bauer, The Limited,
Structure, PacSun, Lazarus, The Buckle and 7or 8 more that
I can't even remember off the top of my head. On one end...ladies,
how many choices of kootchie
cutting, bellbottom jeans and faux wifebeaters do you need
this summer? Every store has the exact same women's fashions,
if you can call them that...I remember laughing at these stupid
ass clothes just like you kids are when you are making your 3
years past "mullet jokes", and while I am talking about
girls clothes and shit, what is with this new bra shit? Every
gal looks to have the greatest set of knockers the world has ever
seen, of course until you gt close enough to actually realize
it is all nylon, cotton, and bailing wire. I am sick of every
girl looking like a fucking cartoon character, skinny, long haired
Icabodettes have taken over. Eeek. Can I have some real meat with
those taters please.
But guys, I have to call you out, too. The one thing all these
stores have for you are your "wittyTM" t-shirts. "Booty
Patrol" "State Prison" "I'm the guy your parents
warned you about" Yes, you are my moronic friend...my Mamaw
said stay away from faggots, they'll fuck you. And the whole Tommy
Hilfignigger and Nautica and FUBU and Abercrombie and Fitch
and every bit of that other logo-encrusted, urban culture infested
shit you call "fashion" needs to be ground into pillow
stuffing and if you wear that shit go ahead & fall in front
of a train, because you are personally responsible for everything
I hate about leaving my goddamned house. And visors...they do
not work, sorry, stop it unless you are garage-sale-ing or dealing
blackjack, they are as useless as headbands in NCAA basketball,
one person could get away with wearing a headband, Bjorn
Borg, name another one....well...go ahead. See, I told you.
Okay, Oliva Newton-John
Getting Physical, I'll give you
that one. My point again, guys, buy a real hat, my 7 year old
looks great in a visor...are you 7? Get a hat.
And of course MY Fayette Mall has 2 not 1 Bed, Bath and Body
Shoppes, 2 of the same fucking store, same name, same everything,
2 of them. Why? Ladies is your skin so dry you cannot make it
from Helzberg's Jewelry to 5,7,9 without lubing up. I am becoming
convinced that twat really does come in flavors...have you ever
smelled an Elderberry/Kiwi poot? I have.
And I would be remiss without the mention of the Food CourtTM,
yes, you can choose such mall delicacies as Chaya Cajun,
what? You say. Oriental Cajun grub, "Shrimp-Yorkie Gumbo,
yummmmm" and Dippin' Dots, the future of frozen confections..."no
way," not to mention, Sbarro, the Restaurant that
really puts Toledo on the Italian map. "I'll have the Antipasto
with extra Ranch, thanks." "Decisions, decisions...maybe
that nice boy from Radio ShackTM can give me a hand with
this tough choice..." How do I know he works at Radio
ShackTM...I can see his nipples through his 50/50 cool-weave,
short sleeve ecru button down, of course." Wow those are
the size of JFK half-dollars!"
They do have Suncoast Video though so $38 later, I got me a couple
flicks and the Wild man got him an action figger so I guess it
wasn't a complete bust...Oh
yeah, we stopped to take a picture of me on the giant picture
of me hanging from the ceiling when you are walking from Sear's
up to Penny's...yep, I'm the guy you don't want to share a
hospital room with...I'll be out there this Saturday with a cheap
card table passing out testicular self-exam doorknob hangers,
basking under the track lighting and signing autographs...Prof.
Tread, Mallrat.
Poop on Tread
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