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Craptacular Shopping and More, All Under One Roof!

With all my favorite dot coms falling by the wayside the last few weeks, you know the ones that made sure we never had to leave our house to shop, Levis.com, Cockrings.org, ColostomysRUs.com, I had to head out "The Mall." Every medium to large town has a few of these places, right. We have the fortunate luck to have a mall that the jeeters, wiggas, niggas, crackers and tardos will drive 2 or 3 days to grace the manicured parking lot and consume Food CourtTM, grubbables for. The Fayette Mall, bow your head in reverence.

Now the Fayette Mall ain't your run of the mill mall, no sir fuckin' ree bob. It is the Be-All-End-Mall, The Big Mallhuna, the Stone Cold Steve Mallstin of all malls around here...it has basically turned our other 2 malls into Geriatric Track Meets, where the ancient go to walk, skip, jog and fart around the 2.26 miles of emptied Karmel Korn tins and soon-to-be repoed air-brushed "Bobby & Me" license plates. They are done...make way for the roller-rink and indoor flea market.

If the fuckin' Fayette Mall ain't got it, do you really fuckin' need it? 9 galddanged shoe stores, 3 cellular phone kiosks? Damn, I know all you future hip hop "stars" need your new 'didas and jor-tons not to mention the cellaphones for you and you baby's momma but that might be overkill. On one end you got The Gap, J Crew, Guess, Gadzooks, Rave, Eddie Bauer, The Limited, Structure, PacSun, Lazarus, The Buckle and 7or 8 more that I can't even remember off the top of my head. On one end...ladies, how many choices of kootchie cutting, bellbottom jeans and faux wifebeaters do you need this summer? Every store has the exact same women's fashions, if you can call them that...I remember laughing at these stupid ass clothes just like you kids are when you are making your 3 years past "mullet jokes", and while I am talking about girls clothes and shit, what is with this new bra shit? Every gal looks to have the greatest set of knockers the world has ever seen, of course until you gt close enough to actually realize it is all nylon, cotton, and bailing wire. I am sick of every girl looking like a fucking cartoon character, skinny, long haired Icabodettes have taken over. Eeek. Can I have some real meat with those taters please.

But guys, I have to call you out, too. The one thing all these stores have for you are your "wittyTM" t-shirts. "Booty Patrol" "State Prison" "I'm the guy your parents warned you about" Yes, you are my moronic friend...my Mamaw said stay away from faggots, they'll fuck you. And the whole Tommy Hilfignigger and Nautica and FUBU and Abercrombie and Fitch and every bit of that other logo-encrusted, urban culture infested shit you call "fashion" needs to be ground into pillow stuffing and if you wear that shit go ahead & fall in front of a train, because you are personally responsible for everything I hate about leaving my goddamned house. And visors...they do not work, sorry, stop it unless you are garage-sale-ing or dealing blackjack, they are as useless as headbands in NCAA basketball, one person could get away with wearing a headband, Bjorn Borg, name another one....well...go ahead. See, I told you. Okay, Oliva Newton-John Getting Physical, I'll give you that one. My point again, guys, buy a real hat, my 7 year old looks great in a visor...are you 7? Get a hat.

And of course MY Fayette Mall has 2 not 1 Bed, Bath and Body Shoppes, 2 of the same fucking store, same name, same everything, 2 of them. Why? Ladies is your skin so dry you cannot make it from Helzberg's Jewelry to 5,7,9 without lubing up. I am becoming convinced that twat really does come in flavors...have you ever smelled an Elderberry/Kiwi poot? I have.

And I would be remiss without the mention of the Food CourtTM, yes, you can choose such mall delicacies as Chaya Cajun, what? You say. Oriental Cajun grub, "Shrimp-Yorkie Gumbo, yummmmm" and Dippin' Dots, the future of frozen confections..."no way," not to mention, Sbarro, the Restaurant that really puts Toledo on the Italian map. "I'll have the Antipasto with extra Ranch, thanks." "Decisions, decisions...maybe that nice boy from Radio ShackTM can give me a hand with this tough choice..." How do I know he works at Radio ShackTM...I can see his nipples through his 50/50 cool-weave, short sleeve ecru button down, of course." Wow those are the size of JFK half-dollars!"

They do have Suncoast Video though so $38 later, I got me a couple flicks and the Wild man got him an action figger so I guess it wasn't a complete bust...Oh yeah, we stopped to take a picture of me on the giant picture of me hanging from the ceiling when you are walking from Sear's up to Penny's...yep, I'm the guy you don't want to share a hospital room with...I'll be out there this Saturday with a cheap card table passing out testicular self-exam doorknob hangers, basking under the track lighting and signing autographs...Prof. Tread, Mallrat.

Poop on Tread

He said it...shoot him!

Stop Shopping & Read A Book, Fartcatcher!

Have you got your Oz Prison Bitch name yet? Just pop over to Prof. Tread's OPBNG and get yours today...love muffin!

How about your Porno Name, get it! How you gonna get your grunt on without it?

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Prof. Tread'sRant Archives: Read Them All and Pass Them Around!
Rant 1: Cloning is Kewl!

Rant 2: March Madness, Mayhem and Milk of MagnesiaTM

Rant 3: Some One Should Have Told Me!

Rant 4: Where has MY porn gone!

El Turbo Grafix