If you haven't figured it out by now, we (meaning, myself, Bro.
George and Jumpin' Joe) like to practice what we preach. The films
we watch, review, and base episodes of our show on are not so
much about entertainment, but more about what I like to call "the
bad movie lifestyle." Culture, b-movie culture, we try and
live it in our daily lives. We don't work this site to get free
DVDs like most of the "schlock film" sites do, I am
not knocking you if you have found a way to get free product.
That's just not our motivation. We don't care if someone wants
to send us stuff, we will review it because that is what we do
on the site, but the site is really about us, well us and these
films we watch, not about selling more shit for a distributor
or bootlegger. We don't get free tapes, unless they are folks
who we have: a.) Become friends with and they think we would enjoy
a film they distribute or b.) Become friends with and they ACTUALLY
make films. Every thing else, we have bought, traded for or in
some cases stolen. Hey, we are not above stealing just to get
our mitts on something; this is a lifestyle, right? Okay, well
maybe not steal in the traditional sense just maybe never return
it to the corporate cheese factory that happened to rent to us.
I'm digressing again.
What I am saying is, we actually like some of these films which
were beyond just box office duds, they are considered unviewable
by many, because we empathize with the folks who were and are
trying to be filmmakers. They had ideas, they had to raise cash,
and they had to deal with folks who were not professional actors,
lighting techs or cinematographers in many cases. But, bottom
line they got the job done, their work exists. The proverbial
sweat off their balls and breasts made it out there and by God,
that is saying something. I say all of this as I begin my review
of THE BLOODY APE, because Keith Crocker, the force behind the
film, shares many of these same ideals when it comes to shitty
film and I can honestly say that for 14 years he has managed to
inspire us, personally, to pay more attention to what most consider
the bottom rung of the film world with his zine THE EXPLOITATION
JOURNAL (EJ). Keith is one of the "good guys" is this
fucking "business" and it is with great pleasure I discuss
THE BLOODY APE.
Imagine reading Poe's "The Murders in the Rue Morgue"
as you wolf down a funnel cake at Coney Island while a Orthodox
Jew tries to sell you cheap jewelry and you have this perpetual,
lingering hard-on you can't rid yourself of. Now that I have painted
this wonderful, atmospheric picture for you, THE BLOODY APE involves
a carnival sideshow barker, Lampini, (played by longtime (EJ)
contributor Paul Richichi) who is in love/lust with a gal and
only wants to settle down and marry her, but the fact that his
hairy seven-foot, 350 lb. Gorilla has escaped, gets in the way.
Well, that and the fact the crack has decided she doesn't want
to marry him. That is our basic plot, but along the way we are
privy to a racist auto mechanic who refuses to service the car
of a "spade." A Rabbi who wholesales jewelry ("Why
do you think they call them Jews?!) out of his coat pockets and
of course, overcharges. And my favorite character brought to life
marvelously by another EJ contributor George Ries, Lt. LoBianco,
who is like an Andy Sipowitz with hair and a degree from David
Duke University. Thank goodness, he has a more sensible partner
in Kerry (Joe Zazo, who I believed was actually a pseudonym for
a Crocker, turns out was quite the actor prick according to sources)
who tries to keep LoBianco on track with the facts of the case.
Oh, what case you ask?
Well, just as Lampini's ape shows up missing, murders begin to
take place around the area. Lampini is searching for the ape as
bodies are turning up. Crocker somehow coaxed, prodded or forced
more than one attractive female to shed their shrouds for THE
BLOODY APE, and as with any quality exploitation film, these are
some of the highlights. In a scene that was actually meant to
be in a completely different film, actually THE BLOODY APE was
supposed to BE a completely different film, we see hairy paws
attack a nubile blond in the shower, grabbing and clawing until
she is left bloodied and dead. Crocker originally had intended
the film to be titled BIGFOOT ON CAMPUS and the plot involved
a mad scientist, a mutated Bigfoot son and mating. Of course like
any project born of love which involves partners (Joe Parda, Crocker's
co-editor for some years at EJ, subsequently, was kindly asked
to leave the project) arguments ensued, ideas changed, others
became interested in the project and the film itself mutated into
THE BLOODY APE. Crocker had shot
murder scenes, nudity and such on 16 mm in order to edit a trailer
to help lure investors, much of this footage is in THE BLOODY
APE. When Crocker found that tight asses wouldn't pony up
the much deserved cash for a "guy in a gorilla suit' action
film, Crocker decided to finance the film himself, which meant
scaling back from 16 mm to Super 8. In the late 80s and early
90s film stock prices began their rise that truly shut the little
guy down, as far as film and processing on a budget went. Over
the next 2 years Crocker and his cohorts, scripted, re-scripted,
shot and re-shot until in Fall of 1994 they wrapped.
They had used the carnie setting; the boardwalk and such in the
same way Lenny Kirtman's CARNIVAL OF BLOOD had so effectively
shown this environ, ripe with the stench of cotton candy and shit,
with assholes who would as soon jip their grannies as breathe.
The film also harkened back to Andy Milligan's finer qualities
of filmmaking. Crocker a self-avowed Milligan mark captured some
of the same spirit of Milligan's "best." Footage of
most-likely a Gratefull Dead show pays off large when a acoustic
guitar wearing, patchouli-reeking "head" goes to take
a leak and unfortunately for him, leaves his Johnson with THE
BLOODY APE. The special effect in the scene leaves a little to
be desired, but it is the spirit of the act that matters and one
cannot help but think that Andy Milligan relied on the same spirit,
which translates to heart, in his work. But, the film sat on the
shelves while Crocker, who at one point had ended up in the hospital
while working on the film due to overwork and asthma, and Reis
put their attention into EJ. In 1996, Crocker finally edited THE
BLOODY APE from almost 4 hours of footage down to 100 minutes
before transferring it to video for the final 80-minute edit.
THE BLOODY APE continues on his trek of mayhem, wiping out the
same assholes who set out to rip off Lampini, LoBianco believes
that Dwayne, the black character who tried to stand up to Vic
the mechanic is the crazed killer, even though his theories are
all based only on the fact that Dwayne is "colored."
Vic, whose dialogue is given an air of absolute believability
by the very capable Larry Koster, is a standout in the film, letting
the racial slurs fly with real Jersey chutzpa. This character
alone would offend most knee-jerking liberal film viewers, but
if that isn't enough for you, Salvatore Finkel, the Rabbi, is
a hoot as he is so close to home in his portrayal in what most
would deem "stereotypical" and "hate-filled,"
that one cannot but simultaneously giggle and grimace. Isn't that
what great satire is supposed to do. Aren't we supposed to feel
uncomfortable because, more likely than not, the satirist is giving
us an over-exaggerated version of the truth, possibly a truth
we don't like facing? I'll fucking answer that question myself.
Yes, that is what a competent satirist is doing. If you are offended
by films that show fat folks flattening chairs, black folks eating
watermelon and Jewish folks as tightwads, I wonder why that is?
Who has the problem there? Look, white guys have male-pattern
baldness, beer ponchs and some of you have little dicks, and it
is not like that ain't exploited. From Homer Simpson to Fraiser,
as long as the stereotypes are comfortable for you they are funny,
but don't go making funny haha of anyone other than rednecks,
queerbaits or working class slobs because you might be deemed
racist or anti-Semitic. Sorry for the political views, but by
God, I am speaking the truth! Okay back to the plot. THE BLOODY
APE is fucking shit up, quite literally I might add. In a classic
scene (not only because I love the naturally plumpish nude actress
involved) THE BLOODY APE goes for it. I mean it; he bones with
reckless abandon this curvaceous brunette "Ape-Style,"
I guess you would say. Vulgarly incredible, as Crocker and his
Bloody Ape cross the line with rape, bestiality, non-missionary
position sex, mutilation and of course, a guy in a Gorilla suit.
The guy in a Gorilla suit is not uncharted water, from Ron Ormond's
Untamed Mistress, (featured in the BOF episode Swamp/Jungle Nite)
to the Vanity fuckfest Tanya's Island to a gazillion others, a
man sartorially bedecked as a Simian stud has been used in films
from those with a budget of $120 to $120,000,000 (as with Tim
Burton's abysmal revisiting of Planet of the Apes). For some odd
reason it is one of the easiest "effects" to sell an
audience. It seems after the obligatory "that's a guy in
a Gorilla suit" comments, we totally buy into it. And coming
from a guy who has worn a Gorilla get-up, there is something quite
nice and almost soothing about being dressed as a prim primate.
Maybe its that DNA strand that branches ever so slightly and makes
us the talking apes, that feels a little closer to home in a Gorilla
suit. Just maybe. Or maybe it is the fact that is just damn funny.
I swear to you, there is nothing funnier than a guy in a Gorilla
anything; car, boat, motorcycle. Okay, one
thing funnier, if the guy uses his hand signal when he turns,
then fucking forget it, it is just plain genius.
All in all THE BLOODY APE offers everything that a fan of cinema
du bad needs. Violence, blood, nudity, exploitation, satire, nipple
twisting, ape rape, hippie dick removal, a nickel and dime budget
and more than anything, a filmmaker who gives a shit. That is
all you can ask. Crocker's description of THE BLOODY APE speaks
volumes about where he was coming from, it wasn't JUST a guy in
a Gorilla Suit, "The film tells of the dire consequences
suffered due to the inability of people to communicate properly.
The film is a plea for mankind to see things the way that they
really are, as opposed to how they perceive it to be." Lofty?
High-minded? You decide after you see it...I say passionate about
his God damned work. That is why spent his own money to see it
through! That is enough to demand you see it, you owe THE BLOODY
APE that, fanboy!
Buy yourself a copy of THE BLOODY APE from Keith Crocker himself,
how in the fuck is that? Think you can buy that Planet of the
Apes DVD by emailing Tim Burton? You don't have to go through
any sort of middleman just visit Cinefear
and Keith will hook your ass up. I mean it, get it. Monkey boy.
Discuss this baby.
Black Gestapo Black
Girl From Tobacco Row
Rape Squad Join
The Meateater Do
Dixie Dynamite POW!
Run Stranger Run
Horror House On Hwy 5
Behind Locked Doors It's
Nailgun Massacre Some
Bat Pussy It had to
Thunder Alley It is
Blood Freak A Classic
The Geek Bigfoot Porn
High School Ghosthustlers
Frankenstein Island You
SuperCock Not that kinda
The Alienator Feeling
Angel Midnight Fantasy
Vanity and the Beast
Tim Ritter's $0 budget wonder
Nightmare Prof. Tread
still can't sleep.
Shanty Tramp She is sumpin'
If Footmen Tire You...?
Viva' Knievel Evel of
The Killing Of A Chinese
Bookie! Smart Guy.
The Pink Angels Gayness,
The Burning The 80's,
ahhh the 80's.
Q - The Winged Serpant! Larry
Fight For Your Life!
WARNING Racist content
Walking Tall Buford Pusser
in the Hizouse!
Sleepaway Camp Internet
Born Losers Ya Loser!
Shriek of the Mutilated
Bro. George gets busy.
Bury Me An Angel
Gal Biker and more.
The Grim Reaper Reap
Abby One of William Girdler's
Deadbeat At Dawn A
Sonny Boy Carradine,
Great Hollywood Rape-Slaughter
Savage Weekend. Take
Dead and Buried. A Should-be
Hot Summer In Barefoot
Night Train To Terror
I Drink Your Blood Glug,
Vixen Russ Meyer and breasts!
Truck Stop Women Honnnk
Daddy's Deadly Darling!
Flesh Feast Maggots!
Soapy the Germ Fighter!
Why Doesn't Cathy Eat Breakfast?
Moonshine County Express!
The Night God Screamed!
White Dog Racists Pets!
Hunter's Blood City
Slickers get offed!
Devil Times Five Sean
Terror at the Red Wolf Inn
Headless Eyes See It
World's Greatest Sinner
One of the best!
The Baby! Goo Goo!
Summer Camp Nightmare Viva
Attack of the Beast Creatures
Let's Play Dead Incest
Island of Death Vacation
Evil Come, Evil Go! Bye,
Darktown Strutters Get
Poor Pretty Eddie Deep
Miami Golem Jewish Folklore
Tenement NYC Apartment
To Kill A Clown Alan Alda Vietnam Vet!
The Spook Who Sat Next To
The Door Booya!
I Woke Up Early The Day I
Died Mr. Ed Wood.
The Mutilation Man Andy
Copp goes arty on us!
The People Across The Lake
The Woman Hunt Load Up
These Are The Damned
|A Deadhead gets
ready to loose his noodle!
|My favorite real
character is the mirror dude, he deserved more lines!
|The Bloody Ape, not
to shabby a Gorilla Suit, eh?